


ace of spades

by starryfrens



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-15 05:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 35,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13606356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryfrens/pseuds/starryfrens
Summary: this is a story that may appear predictable. when you draw a card, you have no idea what it could possibly be, but you hope, deep down, that it will be the one you need to get you through to the next set.josh knew that something would happen eventually, but he was terrified of who would be the next one to shatter his final shards. young and already so used, the idea of loving someone else again made his stomach turn. if only this next draw would be the right one.tyler felt like a sitting duck, waiting for the card he'd pick that would help him make it out alive. he had no idea that the ace of spades would end up saving his life.





	1. one

"mom, i told you that already. i don't love debby anymore. stop pestering me to get back with her!"

josh tugged at his tender lobes, which had turned a rich shade of cherry during the conversation. his mother hadn't spoken to him since he had wedged two red guages in his ears and inked his arms.

"why not? you two were so in love! what happened?"

"she hurt me, momma. i told you that too."

"how so?" 

it was hard to throw such a vulnerable gleam at the one person he trusted the least. well, he trusted his father less than his mother, but he was no one. 

"she- sh.. she slept with somebody else.."

josh's hands began to tremble, so he shoved them in his pockets.

"a-after promising me she loved me and that she wa.. she wanted to marry me, and we would stay pure forev.. -er.. no matter what.. and-" 

"honey, i understand. people change."

the dark haired boy nodded, heart at ease with this statement of security.

"-what do you think you could have done to keep her loyal?" 

the peace sunk to his belly. 

"she fucked my best friend! i can't control her loyalty! if i could, i'd have married her by now. she cheated. not me."

"i am right sick of your mouth, mister dun! thinkin' you can go 'round swearin' like a sailor! you're ridin' on thin ice!" 

the door slammed. the blanket enveloped his quaking body. tears fell. he couldn't hide this any longer, nor could he let his mother blame the girl's actions on him. he couldn't admit that he fell out of love, not seeing in girls what he saw in boys. it had taken years to secure the fact he was gay, and joshua simply couldn't take the closet. he knew that his family would not accept him, raised in a strict christian 'chokehold'. 

he prayed he wouldn't get kicked out if they found out somehow-

"joshua william dun! get your ass out here and pack up your things!" 

his throat had shut, his eyes were blurred, his body was numb. the most terrifying way to be summoned to the dinner table. 

he emerged from his bedroom to find his journal open on the floor, pages angrily turned through, pulled from the binding in certain spots. 

"you have got to be kidding!" 

he shook his head. 

"that's why you blamed debby for 'hurting you', you're a ****** anyways! get out of my house! never come back!" 

a backpack opened, few belongings were shoved inside, and he was out the door. 

the young boy was homeless? 

it hadn't kicked in yet. numb anxiety had taken over. 

he hadn't even packed a toothbrush or extra clothes. he had nothing but fifteen dollars, a practice pad and two drumsticks, his phone, and a single photo of his siblings, all huddled around a bonfire holding hands. they were praying. praying for their father who had just disappeared. no one knew what happened except for his mom, who swore to never tell.

josh kept running, barefoot, to the park, the one place he felt safe, in the giant oak tree next to the rose bushes. he always found small children there, but they never bothered him, despite his unique, peculiar quirks. 

there he stayed, until the sun set and he drifted off to sleep. 

it seemed so cliche. falling asleep in a tree after running away from home. 

his worst nightmare had come true, but josh dun's dream had only just begun.

 


	2. two

"hey son, ready for the big game today?"

his grandfather's hand was cement on his shoulder. he shot a couple drops of milk through his nostrils at the shock.

"y-yes sir, sorry."

"what're ya sorry for boy? i just gave ya a friendly man-to man greetin'! was it too head-on?"

he nodded. he hated when he just burst into the room with no warning and placed his hands on him. especially after her..

"you better make me proud, son. there's a lot riding on this, you know that. keep your head in it. it's all in your head. stay focused."

the pressure was uncanny. he sat there in the creaky wooden chair on the vinyl tile floor, under florescent lights that made his bowl of waffle-crisp-cereal-and-milk a shade of green. tyler felt like he was two tons, under the weight of his parents' expectations. his shiny red jersey and shorts and their golden thread glistened in the cheap lighting. he let his finger glide over the embroidered '21' at the edge of his top. lucky number..

there was something off about the day... he just couldn't put his finger on it.

"hurry up, boy! we're going to be late again! you can't be late to the championship!"

tyler's arm was yanked and suddenly he was wedged in the middle of the pickup's bench seat. his body filled with dread, as the building crept closer and closer, eerily connecting itself to him, against his will. he grew an urge to scream but that in itself was beyond him. it felt like a nightmare in real life. to tyler joseph, it really was.

"i-i don't wanna do this."

brake-check.

"what?"

he shook his head.

"this isn't me. this isn't tyler! this isn't what i'm meant to be!"

"God's led you this far, son, i think it's for a reason. He wouldn't lead you where He wouldn't want you to be. we can't turn back now, not even for the biggest reason. you are not missing this. i don't care if your soulmate is back the other way, it's your last game. deal with it."

sweat began to run down the back of his neck. he had endured all sixteen and three-quarters of his life chained to a shopping cart, with his parents pushing him along, forcing him to follow their every wim, will and wish, practically letting his family live his life for him. they had dictated his dreams and destroyed his desires. there was nothing left of him. just an empty basin his parents' believe is overflowing.

"i wanna sing, mom. i wanna play piano. you know that already. i've made songs. i wanna start a band. i don't wanna do this any longer!"

the car was silent until it stopped. he was thrown out of it by a now burnt wrist. his siblings followed closely behind, zack nipping at his ankles with his brand new heelys.

"zackie you're gonna smudge my shoes, cut it out!"

"mmeh!"

he skipped ahead and rolled along until he hit a crack in the pavement and became upside down. he obviously wasn't fazed because nobody seemed to notice and he got right up, rolled a little ways, hit another divit, and face-planted again. the cycle repeated until he reached the door and was forced to take the tiny wheels out of his soles.

"karma's a bitch.."

tyler muttered behind his breath as he pulled away into the locker room. there really was no purpose for him here, but he felt he needed to be there.

"tyler! how are ya, buddy?"

his coach grabbed his shoulder and shook his hand. too much touching, he thought.

"good.."

he croaked, trying to sound hoarse and big, but he was in fact high-pitched and small.

"great! you're getting the court the entire game! we need your legs out there!"

oh how he hated getting comments about his body. already too uncomfortable, and he's only just gotten here!

tyler sat on the bench, towel draped around his neck, head in his hands.

"hey, you good, bro?"

he didn't answer. he couldn't even answer in his head to himself. he honestly didn't know.

"listen, i know it's stressful. but after it's all over, it's just a game, okay?"

there were suddenly hands all over him. sensations and warmth and sweat and dirty.

he shook them all off and scooted away, before standing up and leaning into the lockers, lump becoming solid in his throat.

he could feel the remnants of their touches on his legs, his back, his neck, arms, shoulders, the top of his head, he simply couldn't take it!

how hard do i have to squeeze this towel before it kills me?

his mind was abuzz.

"get your sad girl mindset out of your strong boy brain. you don't need to cry. men don't cry, only girls do that. and no one wants to play basketball like a girl. we need you. you're good at defense. so clear your mind and let's play some ball."

it was all a blur. he said something else, but he didn't hear anything.

tyler didn't know how, but he appeared on the court, with a ball in his hands. everyone was cheering. he didn't know why or what to do. he was drenched in sweat and he was crying, shaking. he had no memory. the score was a tie, last quarter, time running out. he was on the wrong side of the court with no one to pass to. tyler started running. he didn't know how he was even standing at this point, mental and physical exhaustion flooding his senses.

a jump, a short toss, the loss of grip of the ball, a loud noise, a fall, a burst of unimaginable pain, and a dark view. nothing else.

he remembered not being able to move or talk, or hardly breathe. but he was there, somewhere. he could hear someone calling his name, but he didn't recognize the voice. time had stopped. reality had been altered. where was the real tyler, and why had he gone into hiding?


	3. three

he was fine. i sure didn't feel like it though..

his own teammate had pushed him down. selfish jealousy, he wanted the winning shot, the credit, the glory, the five minutes of fame, the girls, the friends. he wanted to prove whatever it was teenage boys want to prove to their rivals, superiority, most likely.

before he knew it, tyler was in the air, picked up around the waist by his coach and hugged. there were countless hands on him. he was suffocated by the attention. there were no waves of euphoria through his veins, no adrenaline rush. he was numb and disconnected from the world, oblivious.

"p-put me down!" his throat stung and his chest throbbed with a broken pain.

two sweaty palms hit the wooden floor and two tingling feet led him to a sole bathroom. he locked himself in and escalated immediately. it was a terrifying thing to watch, he agreed, having experienced it millions of times in two years. is that how long it had been? wow. he still wasn't over it!? he thought he had learned to cope, what with therapy and a couple doses of seratonin, he was still a little sad boy with a broken heart and a cheated body.

"tyler, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry! i shouldn't have done that! forgive me, i love you! i only love you! i will let you back in and show how amazing you are! show me that pretty smile of yours and we'll make it all better! listen to me! i'm right here!"

she was close. so close. near enough to reach out and pull her in for a kiss. her famous kiss. but she was nowhere to be found. it was his brain missing her. he did not want to miss the girl who hurt him the most.

"tyler! baby boy, oh! come out of there!"

it was his mother.

tyler needed to stand. he needed to escape the prison cell he had locked himself in.

"mamma, i cant move.."

"oh sweetie! unlock the door for me! you can do it!"

since he was leaned up against the door, this was simple, but the tingling and numbness in his fingers and hands made it an impossible task.

but soon enough it was done and tyler was buried in his mother's arms. tears kept coming and they didn't stop, he was gaining the feeling back in his extremities and each fingertip examined their own piece of fabric underneath the soft skin.

"you're okay, lovey, you're okay."

her calming voice enveloped tyler in a sense of security and safety that soothed his shaking frame.

"i can't take them touching me. you know what she did to me. it's overload."

"i know, ty, i know. you're safe now. she's gone and she will never come back to haunt you if you don't let her consume your every thought. i know it sounds hard to grasp but promise me, she doesn't deserve to live in your head."

after everything he'd been through, and everything he was going to go through, nothing mattered more than the current moment. she cared and she wanted to help, unlike the ignorant, self-centered people tyler chose to surround himself with: those who promised to stick by him at all costs, through thick and thin, but escaped as soon as his vulnerable symptoms surfaced. they were liars. cold ones. just like his past lover. it felt like just about everyone in tyler's life was the same. they all feared for themselves while he was stuck in a ditch, spinning tires, begging for someone to help him out. no one ever did. except for his family. the only human beings that gave a single shit about his mentality. he hated having so much support when other kids had none. he tells his family everything. everything but his sexuality. once again, christians back on their bullshit.

"come on, let's go back. you've just won the biggest game of the season. i'll hold your hand, bug."

that was tyler's favorite nickname.

with help, he stood up and walked slowly to the open set of double doors to the court, noise still erupting from the crowds and the team. the opposition floated from the room to the hallway, lethargic and exhausted.

"good game, boys."

she tried to express her empathetic compassion but it was brushed aside and ignored.

"hey, guys, shut up! tyler's back!"

the coach made a swift move towards him, causing the boy to dart to the side in avoidance of the sweaty palm. luckily, his mother intercepted the hand as a greeting and shook it with her own. she gently whispered in the man's ear a message that made him grimace.

"that's nonsense."

"come 'ere, boy! gimme a hug. you did well."

tyler could feel like body begin to shut down and freeze, so he took his chances.

"no. i don't want to be touched. i had a breakdown in the bathroom because i've been hurt by hands that way before. i don't wanna shake your hand, i don't wanna hug you. don't even try. i can already feel myself going again. i'm sorry, i'm gonna have to skip this celebration party thing for the sake of my sanity."

his feet glided out of the room like they were made of clouds. it was incredibly slow, yet steady, it was necessary to prevent nausea and a dizzy head.

tyler could hear his family chasing after him as he began to pick up speed through the building, out to the truck. he shut himself in the backseat so he could be in the center of his younger siblings. he couldn't face anyone else.

they entered softly and cuddled him like a stuffed animal in frail, bony arms. there was not a single word spoken until the safety of the family house was reached. tyler moved like a ghost into his solemn bedroom, locking the door and sliding into the shower off to the side. he watched the beige substance drip off his arms to reveal the deep black bands and symbols under his skin. it was a beautiful thing to greet again after a long while of sweating.

cherished moments alone and alive under cold water and soapy curls. this was something he wasn't allowed to do two years ago. she was really that manipulative and jealous, possessive and abusive, that tyler couldn't even shower alone without her peering around the corner. it was an awful thing to even describe. he wanted the tears to come, but they wouldn't.

"i walk to you, rain falls from you. can you wash me? can you drown me?"

he mumbled lyrics from a song he'd never write. he couldn't do the music thing alone. he needed somebody else who liked it as much as he did. but was he ready? could he learn to trust again?


	4. four

> "zack, do you think the stars cry?"

tyler's fingers poked at the needlepoints in the midnight sky. his legs were stiff and throbbing, bruised and cut. the tops of his thighs were slain and butchered, guilty and shameful. his shins had been painted black and blue by the pavement, youthful slip ups that led to skinned knees and bloody grass stains. his blue jeans were turquoise in the joints, dribbled red like a cluster of stars. his yellow hoodie was covered in damp earth to the point of becoming bronze, nearly matching the hair sat in a lump atop his head. the skin that wrapped his frame was relaxed in the grass against the softness of the backyard, cushioned with delicate, veiny arms that shook with every movement. tyler joseph was at ease though, the boy was gentle in his words and his language.

"no, but the clouds do."

his brother whispered below his spoken thoughts, numb yet existential.

"yeah, duh, rain.."

tyler tried to laugh but it wouldn't come. he layed there with a crooked smirk for a moment then continued.

"i think the stars cry over the people that dont sleep in the night, wouldn't you say?"

"what do you mean?"

tyler took a slow breath in. he felt nothing against his body, despite the vivid description of the way he was laying in the yard. it was a very young sensation, overwhelmingly nostalgic. fidgeting with his younger brother's tiny fingers an arm's length away, too nervous to hold them and make a promise. as the eldest it sure felt like tyler was drowning in the responsibility of sheltering his little siblings, and the awful dread of never having been able to fulfill that motion. tyler felt like a failure, in other words.

almost 17. so so close. he was one year away from going to college. how exciting and free that sounded to a young mind.

he pondered on the topic for a while. what would he do? who would he talk to? what would he study? would he live in the dorms or in a house? he most certainly wouldn't live at home..

tyler's mind wandered for a few minutes as those things crossed his psyche, shifted to another dimension as his eyes scanned the stars.

"ty.."

this shook him out of it.

"sorry, i dissociated again, sorry, sorry... ahh."

his palm landed on his own forehead, ashamed.

"it's okay.. what do you mean when you said the stars cry over people who don't sleep in nighttime?"

the lump in tyler's throat rose and became a boulder he couldn't swallow. he couldn't cry now, not now.

but what was he intending? how do celestial bodies cry? do they explode into supernovas, dying out because the little ones they glide over are dying too? do they radiate heat to keep cold souls warm? what do stars do when they are full of pity?

there was something he needed to get off his chest. something he wanted to let go of. it took a few "ums" to figure out what it was he needed to throw to the other side of the world.

it was her. she was one tyler needed to get rid of. why? she was already gone, gone into another place, promising that tyler would regret letting her go and that he would miss her. sure, he did miss her, she was right, but he most certainly did not regret it. the scars and hurt on his body proved the point. he did not want any more colors. the only place she lived that tyler was aware of was in his head. he did not want her there either. but she stayed and rotted his insides like acid rain. he hated what she did to him while he was alone. she didn't have to be psychically there, while she was mentally there, tearing tyler apart, piece by piece until there was nothing left but a cowardly shadow. a very broken one for sure.

he tried to keep his mind off of his stinging flesh, and the pain shooting up and down his body, but to no avail. it was flooding his conscience. there was no other way to escape the pain, but to speak about it. to release it.

tyler opened his mouth to speak and burst into tears. it was not a prideful moment, but he powered through it. this was emotion at 12:34am, deeper and darker and dreadful. it hurt to pronounce every syllable. his tongue ached and pulsed, his teeth throbbed, his gums swelled, but that didn't stop tyler. he needed to speak, after hours of noise in his head, he needed to push it out so it would become silent. even if it meant screaming out into the night. so that's what he did. not nearly as loud, though.

"you know when you have to wake me up when you have bad dreams, to cuddle with me in my blankets? you know how you don't have to speak a word, you can just snuggle in and i'll accept it? that's because i am constantly awake, constantly thinking about you, worrying about you. i cant sleep because i can't bear to shut my eyes and have something happen to you, or jay, or maddie, or momma, or pop. you know how.. she... did all those nasty things to me, and how much i talk about her? all those times where i blame her for the fucked up shit i do now? i really don't want to keep whining on and on about how i'm a victim. i hate talking like that. you know how you would stand outside my door and listen to her hit me? how hard you would bawl? it hurt me to know that it hurt you.. that i was being hurt. yeah. it's a detrimental cycle. and im sorry for being so negative. when you were born i promised everyone i would take care of you and make you feel happy and safe. in the last few years i think i let you down. i broke that promise, didn't i? i'm so sorry. my god im so sorry. forgive me, please, i need to make this right with us. i'm ready to get better."


	5. five

"what's your name, mister?"

josh's eyes darted downwards to the tiny soul standing underneath the tree limb he was perched upon. he was the smallest little thing, almost unreal, adorable with soft blonde curls.

"you been in that tree all day! what do you think about?"

josh didn't really know the answer, so he made one up.

"space."

he was lying though, he really loved planets and stars and meteors and asteroids and... aliens..

"cool! space is super cool! do you believe in aliens? my mommy says theyre more faker than santa claus! i think she's a big liar!"

he nodded. the kid's mom was a liar.

"aliens are definitely real. 100%. if anyone tells you they aren't real, they work for the government."

"they work for the who now?"

he chuckled.

"old people, kid."

the child accepted the answer and began hopping up and down in order to reach josh's dangling fingers. each veiny hand was as relaxed as a limb could be. he was at peace.

"hey, mister.. you have earrings, i didnt know boys could do that! my sissy has like ten million earrings and she says they're only for girls! it's not fair!"

josh's eyes met the child's eyes as he spoke.

"you're right. it isn't fair. earrings are just pieces of metal you put in your ear, they're not just for girls. if you want to get big ones like mine then you can."

"yay! can i touch them?"

joshua's eyes widened in a small shock and humor, but he let him anyways. he bounced from the branch to the soft grass and knelt at the kid's level.

the fingers were so small and delicate, soft and cold, sorta sticky (ew), but gentle.

"neato."

was all the kid said before trotting off to a much much taller boy with a yellow hoodie on. the toddler pointed at josh with an extravagant smile and enthusiastic jitter.

as the brown haired tall boy turned around and josh got a good look at him, his jaw nearly hit his feet.

"the hell..."

his shoulders were narrow and bony, his arms were slender and muscular, his fingers were long and round, he had two clubbed thumbs, his waist was.. oh how did he describe it.. perfect... his hips were slim and gracious, his legs were long too, ugh what?

and dont even get josh started on that boy's face..

"look, ty, he's right there! that dude that likes space and told me the 'gorment' is old people!"

josh's cheeks burnt like magma as they crept closer and closer. he probably looked like a grape for all he knew..

his chest felt like it was caving in and so did his world. why was this ethereal boy approaching him with such a curious, laughing expression?

"now, you two be friends! be nice!"

the child galloped away like a horse into the sandpit. josh confirmed it to be the cutest thing he'd seen all day.

"so.. um.. you're the 'dude' who told my cousin about the government?"

josh's throat was shut and he could only nod.

"kids these days, huh? clueless."

he peered up at the boy in yellow for half a nanosecond. he was sitting right in front of him with his legs crossed in the grass, ripping the tiny roots from the dirt. he had dead pieces of plants on his black skinny jeans.

"y-yeah.."

it was silent. the most cruel silence ever. josh felt like he was submerged in the center of the earth.

"wh-what's your name?"

gulp.

"josh."

"awh, nice. i'm tyler, by the way. i like your hair, and your guages, and your tattoos, and.. your everything.. oh jesus.."

so, his name was tyler. so fitting, so fitting. he also complimented his... everything, whatever that meant.

"your everything is wonderful, too."

"oh, my god shut up. are you looking in a mirror?"

tyler was blushing a nice rose stripe across his nose and down his cheeks.

"why are you always out here everyday? not a bad thing, jus-just curious."

josh's eyes filled with tears but he blinked them away. he didn't hide it very well, because the boy noticed and scooted closer to him.

"my mom likes to look through my stuff and she found my writing and kicked me out of my only home. i had no privacy there and my extremely personal thoughts were exploited right there in front of my whole family. but enough of my whining, i wanna hear about you."

josh's chin sat on his hand and he gazed into tyler's velvety brown eyes as his shed tears full of fear into the soil.

"what was your writing about? if you don't mind?"

he trusted tyler a lot already. crazy it seems, but he felt like this boy would never hurt him.

"it was all about my journey in finding my sexuality and who i love. basically my big fat gay diary."

the brunette smiled with crooked teeth, cherry pop lips quivering with euphoria.

"queers unite... am i right? that rhymes, damn it."

"yeah, that's so cool! so like.. what-"

"boys. and non binary, gender non-conforming, individuals. but mostly boys. gay. polyromantic asexual, whatever you wanna call it. not a huge fan of the ol' razzle dazzle if you know what i mean. i like warm kisses and snuggles and being spooned. i also like sitting on laps and being kissed on the nose. i like catching butterflies and counting stars, playing piano and singing, i like talking to boys and chasing people around the pool. what do you like?"

josh's jaw was on the ground.

"i like those things. i like doing those things with other boys. i like protecting boys. i like going to get food with boys and looking at boys' eyes and.. i like boys."

"i think we make a great team, then."

josh nodded. he was officially hopelessly in love, and he had only known tyler for seven and a half minutes.

it was truly love at first sight.

"yeah, we do."


	6. six

"sooo, like, are you single? got anybody to show you how amazing you are?"

tyler was rolling up his sleeves to reveal his black inked skin in the safety of the bathroom. he held a bottle of foundation in his hand.

"nah, i don't trust very easily to be honest, but also, i feel like we just instantly clicked. i'm not really scared of you, like i am of other people."

it was such a risky thing to say, josh knew it, but he was willing to take a risk if it meant he could know more about this boy in the end.

"here, use this to cover your ears, and i'll put this stuff on your arms. are you okay with being touched on your arms, or do you want to do it by yourself?"

he made the most luscious eye contact throughout, sincerely asking for consent.

"yes, um, it's fine. i don't really know how to do it."

"we'll use this spongey thingy. my hands wont actually touch you."

josh nodded. he wondered why tyler would be so cautious around touching his arms, but then he realized the gentle, slow-moving course his hands were taking, so as not to startle him. this boy must've been through a lot..

"okay, so this is so my parents don't kill us both."

the cold substance made contact with his skin and he felt an emotion close to happiness, like nostalgia, but not quite, euphoria but not as pink. it was a gut feeling, a positive one, one that made his heart beat faster and his eyes to dart back and forth at the boy's steady shoulders. was it the adrenaline rush of breaking rules? being rebellious and hiding from the authority? maybe.

it could not be love. it never could be. there was no way he would let himself fall in love with someone he can't have; let alone, someone he just met.

he was lying in his state of denial.

"okay. that's all. here, take my hat and pull it over your ears."

he did so. it was warm, since it had been pulled right off of tyler's head three seconds ago, so he felt safe.

"they aren't home so, not like i expect to run into them, but, just in case. you never know."

the two boys stood there in silence, staring into each other's eyes. it was a repetitive thing, they seemed to do it all the time, and i keep writing it down like it's the first time it's happened, because to josh, it felt like it. his heart raced and his cheeks burned. tyler was a work of art: from his child-like fingers to the upturn at the end of his nose. every second he looked at him, a new realization dawned in his mind, a new thing to adore about this boy.

tyler's eyelashes fluttered as he blinked, like butterfly wings in the dusty sunlight. the space looked neglected by rags, an eye sore of a symptom of executive dysfunction, labeled 'the main bath' so the guests could use the full one, not that there ever were any, but mrs. joseph was a worrier, who wasn't, even it came to appearances? especially in the home. the dirty place was a grey-ish pink, and that's the color tyler's eyelashes brought to josh's mind. he kept it.

tyler's fingers were crossed behind his back, and his lips were folded. josh felt the anxious energy, but he shook it off, pulling off his beanie and giving tyler a look of question, leaving his palms upturned.

his hand was grasped with two smaller ones, and tyler ended up in the hallway against the wall. he was whimpering.

"what are you- josh! please... just.. don't hurt me.. i'll do anything."

josh immediately backed away into the opposite wall, basically dropping to his knees.

"no, no, no, no, i didnt mean to... listen.. i'm sorry, i overreacted. please.. just.."

regret flooded josh's psyche, causing him to feel an attack to rise into his chest, but the soft pastel shade of tyler's presence turned the knot to nothing.

"i sh-shouldn't have t-touched you without a-asking. i hope i didn't t-trigger you.."

"no, you just scared me, and that's okay. it's okay to have a little jump to get your heartrate up. whatever's hurting you point it at me, please, just don't point it at yourself."

"i can't."

"why not?"

tyler's voice was so calm and soothing in that moment.

"because i don't wanna hurt you. if i give all this poison in my mind it'll kill you."

"but at least it won't be killing you anymore."

tyler's hands were laying on josh's cheeks, stroking the tears away with two thumbs. he then buried himself in the crook of his neck, syncing his breath to the subtle sensation of his heartbeat. tyler felt secure and whole again. it was a new thing to feel.

but did he trust it? he wasn't sure. would it last? he didn't know. but all that mattered was the current moment.

"just hold me forever."

he nodded.

"i will keep you safe forever and ever, my little bubblegum bug."

then the tears came. and they came heavy. that nickname... oh that name, his absolute favorite.

"shut up, that's my favorite."

"make me."

tyler's jaw relaxed and his mouth sat open. his tongue flipped over his teeth. and before he knew it, his lips were snatched up in josh's, a warm, passionate kiss, affectionate and loving. he had just met the guy that day, and now he was being kissed.

he thought he would have a panic attack, but he didn't. any bad thoughts or triggers flew away like birds in october, as he rested his hands on josh's shoulders. his stinging thighs were numb as they sat on the blond's lap, he felt so blasted cute..

for once, he didn't mind the hands on his hips. they were loving hands, ones that didn't intend to tear him apart.

he felt tears in his eyes, so inevitable, he wouldn't let them ruin this kiss, this first kiss- there was no way tyler could pull away now, or ever..

it had to end somewhere. the two separated and tyler felt no strength. he couldn't even hold his head up, so he slowly collapsed onto josh's chest, sobbing. he had never experienced being truly loved. tyler felt the call of sleep in his ears, the call to be so vulnerable and so small, to fall asleep in his arms..

josh held the back of his head, cradling him like a baby. and that was that. the boy had fallen asleep on the hallway floor, cuddled so delicately with josh, someone he had only spoken to a few times. neither one knew anything about the other, but that kiss felt like they'd known each other for centuries. the first step in the best marathon ever. 


	7. seven

"tyler.. h-hey, buddy.. wake up, there's someone here."

the brunette opened his eyes, rubbed them, and nudged in deeper into josh's shoulder.

"a car just pulled up."

at this, the boy sprung up, pulling josh with him into his bedroom.

"we're too late to get out, you need to get under my bed. put your hat back on and don't move!"

he slid underneath the frame and there were blankets pulled over the gaps.

"stay there, i'll give you an all clear, okay?"

josh nodded, huddled in a ball in the corner of the dusty floor. he felt safe, though not very comfortable, but something about hiding from his crush's parents gave him an adrenaline rush.

wait... crush? yes.

the bedroom door creaked open and careful steps crept closer to josh's face. he feared the worst, clenching his eyes shut and holding his breath.

"hey, josh, it's just me. it's tyler. nobody's here. there's no car. are you okay?"

his heart was in his throat, and he was choking on it.

"sshh, you're safe, no one is here, are you sure you heard a car? was it someone driving by?"

josh didn't reply, mouth sealed shut, shaking harder than he ever had.

there were heavy footsteps roaming the halls, doors opening, doors closing, lights flickering, water running, kettles screaming, and books falling from the shelves. it felt as if the place was pulsing, like an earthquake above ground. but it wasn't a tremor of tectonic tendencies, the house itself was quivering with fear.

with one swift motion, josh was pulled from under the bed and propped up against the closet door.

his eyes scanned tyler's pink face, full of worry and pity.

"there's someone in here..."

ever so slightly, the door began to creak open, as if someone was sneaking in, so as not to startle anyone who happened to be sleeping.

no one entered, no one exited. the room was stagnant, painfully quiet, each waiting for something to explode. nothing.

it was this way for an eternity. well, more like two minutes. they sat next to each other, holding hands, eyes clenched shut, waiting in agony.

suddenly, the door slammed shut and each and every item that wasnt already on the floor fell downwards.

tyler ended up on his back, with josh on top of him, strong, calloused hands covering his face and head. the comfort of his body on his helped to calm him, but his heart was still beating out of his chest. tyler's legs were wrapped around josh's hips, arms around his torso. they stayed that way, kissing and weeping into fabrics.

tyler never thought once that his house would be haunted, or intruded, nor had he had any wierd occurrences of any sort, especially something like this.

the pressure on his chest, the hands in his hair, the face in his neck, gentle lips pressing into his skin, he could feel the ease returning. funny how quick this boy healed him.

"kiss me."

"i am."

"on the mouth, you."

so he did, still imprisoned by tyler's legs, holding his chin up to reach his plump cherry pop lips.

they stayed down on that cold carpet for a while. the freedom of having family go on holiday without you, and being able to spend that alone time with the boy you're head over heels for was the color purple.

"don't you ever leave me.."

that little bottom boy was gasping for air, still running his fingers through the bleach blond locks of the guy buried in his chest.

"i'll be here for you, even when you get possessed by that fucking demon in your house."

"oh my god, shut up!"

"never!"

again, taken by surprise at how good a seventeen year old was at kissing boys, making him feel so wanted and valued. it was something else. he was touching him so subtly, in no intention to hurt him, or scold him, or hit him. all he wanted was a kiss, and a good lovey-dovey one. a sappy, emotional, passionate one: a painful, happy, tongue-filled kiss, that left his jaw tired and sore, and his lips swollen. tyler couldn't help but beg for more. he had a soft spot for kisses.

"you're such a whiny thing, bug."

he shook his head.

"i whine because i miss you. more kisses, j."

"it's still the same mouth, t, nothing has changed since i kissed you last..."

"who says? who says you haven't learned a new trick?"

"i did!"

"well, fine, last one!"

it was the same thing. nothing different, but the feeling was like the first time. he fell in love over and over again, deeper into his heart every time. overflowing with emotion, willing to give everything he had away if it meant he could spend one more second with josh.

josh agreed, he knew it. feeling trusted and worth something to tyler meant the world. this kid had been scarred, and alone for such a long time, and after all of it, he still chose to trust josh. wow, that made him feel so important.

he pulled away from tyler's mouth with a smile.

"was that good enough, you tiny thing?"

he nodded.

"now i need to clean up all my stuff off the floor, since ghosty mcdemonfuck decided he doesn't like my interior design schemes."

"i like your interior design schemes!"

"well, guess what, it's your lucky day!"

"you twink..."

josh whispered under his breath, attempting to fix his hair, after having it pulled on and ruffled with, before resorting to the hat tactic. he stood behind tyler, wrapping his arms around his hips as he worked, watching his mind work.

"hey, no fair, you don't get to watch! pick shit up!"

he chuckled, bending over and picking up a framed family photo.

"handsome then, handsome now."

he blushed.

"those were my freshman photos, except they were supposed to be just me, but everyone else decided that me starting high school was everybody's ordeal."

"wow. i wish my family cared like that.. but..... ugh, sorry."

"hey, hey, it's okay. i'm sorry. i'm a show-off anyway. i'll shut up and we'll get to business, m'kay?"

josh nodded, trying to fight back the tears as he still held the frame. everyone was smiling and hugging each other, except for one man standing behind them all. he assumed this was tyler's dad, tall and broad and stern, seemingly disconnected from reality. he looked like he cared nothing about the event, or anything.

"i don't like to look at him either."

this startled josh a bit, but he hid it pretty well.

"what happened? if you don't mind..."

tyler shook his head.

"nothing.. he just doesn't feel like home."

josh nodded. he understood perfectly what he meant.

"anyways, black on red, or blue on black?"

he smirked.

"red. always. black and blue just looks like a bruise."


	8. eight

"so, apparently our house is haunted. just thought you should know that."

tyler squeezed his hands in his hoodie pocket.

"what? what kind of stuff have you been readin' at night boy?"

his mom set the dingy plate down in front of him, full to the brim of food that looked delicious, but that he couldn't even think of eating alone.

"nothing. i saw stuff move last night."

"how? you must be seein' things, tyler."

"yeah, i'm seein' things - seein' stuff fall off my walls. first the door opened by itself, then it slammed shut by itself, then all my stuff fell down. there wasn't anybody else there but me and i was laying on the floor with - my arms folded."

she didn't reply. this woman was known as a skeptic, logical and rational, but in denial to hear her son out on his fears.

'maybe it was this.... or maybe it was that. have you checked the boiler yet? what was the house temp?'

all kinds of things that could've set the pressures off, warped the walls and reset: but none of them made any sense. it would have to be shaken off as another night terror. he seemed to have those a lot, according to her.

"eat, son. aren't you hungry?"

he shook his head.

"i just... i miss him."

did those words seriously come out of his mouth?

"who? dad?"

he nodded. he really meant josh, but there was no way he could explain that to his mother, how would he exactly word the response: "i had a cute boy over and he kissed me a billion times."

tyler wasn't really the type of person to confess to other people his love for someone else, for fear of rumors spreading, but since it was summer vacation, it wasn't too much of a concern. not like he had an awful lot of friends he spent enough time with to remember in the offseason, but thats exactly how it was. lonely and introverted, it wasn't too big of a deal if he didn't have a buddy to hug when he got a good grade. even though it bothered him a bit. he considered talking to his parents about it, at least his mom, but he saw the way she acted about the commercials on the television, and there was no way she would want that in her household. especially after what happened to josh...

"he'll be home for supper. don't you worry. i've noticed you're wearing all your sweaters again. it must be too cold in here, it doesn't make sense. you're not hurting yourself again, are you?"

she told tyler he would be home every night. he never was. tyler never remembered him actually returning since a few years back.

"n-no, it's just cold.. sorry."

"sh, don't be sorry. it's not your fault. i just don't want you to burn yourself anymore."

tyler eyed the pine green lighter sitting on the counter on top of the microwave, with its red switch and a few drops of gasoline left in the canister. his mind flashed back to the days he used to hold it to his arm for as long as he could stand it, timing himself to set a new record, tallying the number of red blisters he could rise from his silky skin.

"neither do i."

there wasn't a single second he envisioned being covered in bruises for fun, soft lips interlocked with sharp collarbones and necks unaware. it was quite the encounter at the bathroom mirror shirtless again. he hated those songs about sex, the ones filled with drugs and insomnia and drinking at parties, running from the cops with rosy cheeks. but today sure felt like he was sprinting from the rules stabbed in his back, middle fingers raised to the list on the fridge.

anxiety piled into his throat. did he say too much to josh? who knows where the boy could be now, or what he could be doing with the newly obtained information about the flower crown brunette he kissed in someone else's house.

that experience was a cherry shade.

"just try. you don't have to eat all of it. just some. i dont want you to get dizzy at your scouting today, okay?"

dread filled his stomach, making him feel extremely sick.

"i can't do it anymore. not another season. you know i'll never be able to face my team again after 'mr. touchy feely!' you know that."

the blonde haired woman sank in her chair. tyler could sense the worrisome energy pulsing off of her.

"i'm so sorry, son, but imagine it. imagine you get into college with a scholarship, and you represent the school, the state, the sport! what if you go into major leagues, and i get to see my bug on the television?"

tyler shoved the bite of sausage into his mouth so he wouldn't have to reply.

"you won't have to worry about funds or anything like that.... you'll have a full scholarship if it goes well. i know it will go well. that's my boy..."

she was very concerned about him. the way he kept his eyes on the food, twirling the warped fork in his fingers. the idea of things getting bad again crept into her weakened mind, the image of a suffering child haunted her. there was nothing as bad to mrs. joseph as thinking of such a thing to happen. tears in her son's eyes was the last thing she wanted to see.

"i love you. i don't want you to hurt- if this thing hurts you i need you to tell me. don't think that you have to go through with it just to make me proud. i will only be proud of you if you are achieving your dreams and you are happy. if you're not, it's disappointing me because you refuse to fix your situation in order to become happy."

he nodded, although he knew this wasn't what he wanted. this was what his mother wanted, though, and he couldn't bear to let her down.

tyler's vibrant yellow hoodie strings sat on the tabletop before his plate. a few sole goosebumps poked out from his black athletic shorts, right knee bouncing from anxiety. his shoes were too small, socks too baggy, hair too long. things weren't ever right in tyler's life, according to him, something was always out of place. teenage issues and hormones, sad thoughts and self-doubt and trauma moulding him into the 17 year old he became in the current moment. there was still something missing from him, whether it was a person, or a pet, or an item, tyler wasn't hoping to stop searching the world until he found it.

he hadn't talked to or seen josh in months. this made him incredibly uneasy. is was like a one night experience, he took him home and kissed him a billion times, and then all was silent. maybe he could go back to the park with his cousin and see if they could find him again, perched in a tree, biting his nails and thinking so deeply about whatever it was a homeless kid thought about. what if he got taken in by someone? where was he staying? was he safe? what if someone hurt him, or worse-

no. he couldn't think about that. there was no way this boy was in any danger. he was fine... he was fine... shut up tyler.. just..

"ty.. bug, we have to go, and you haven't eaten anything! you're going to faint when you run! look at you, all pale!"

"i'm not hungry, ma."

her face turned pink and a tear ran down her solemn cheek. stress lines showing as the red aura gleamed in her son's eyes.

"tyler. look at my face. i am terrified for you. i know things are harder for you, but for the sake of your safety..."

the sickness flew from his stomach like a bird at the anxiety in his mother's voice, and he basically inhaled the remaining food from the plate, before being dragged by his arm into the passenger seat of the family pickup truck.

his belly began to twirl again. what if he did horribly? would he make a fool of himself? what if he did something wrong? oh god, shut up...

"you'll do amazing, sweetie."

it's like she could read his mind.

the building loomed on the horizon and tyler clenched his eyes shut. there was nothing he could do, but he needed to escape. he couldn't jump out of a moving vehicle, couldn't stop to run. it was inevitable, unstoppable. the end of the world moving faster and faster in his direction.


	9. nine

"josh?"

the boy's hands were being twirled with.

"who cares?"

he muttered, still half asleep.

"it's me, jordan..."

sniff.

"i miss you. come home. it's so cold, please, just help us to go home. it's not happy there without you. momma's sorry! you gotta hold my hand and promise you'll come back! josh!"

there was someone holding his little brother back. someone covering his mouth and binding his arms. he didn't feel the tiny fingers in his own, but rather a sticky, warm substance that reminded him of blood. there was an awful screaming and a horrible fear in the air, tears were falling and the boy was pleading, let me go, let me move so i can save my little brother! but the boy was paralyzed in sleep, glued into place by his own body's fear. he's going to be hurt... he's going to be killed...

and immediately jerked awake and fell from the bench.

'dammit, where is he?'

he couldn't even speak, but his mind was louder than it had ever been.

his hands were cut and pierced from digging his nails so far into the soft skin, so a small amount of blood sat dried inside his palms.

"night terrors."

cold sweat beaded on the back of his neck, but he swiped it away and stood up. he was going to find tyler again.

but how? it would be an idiotic move to go right to his house, playing with the fire burning the risk of being shot in the front yard...

the sky was pitch black, not a single star in sight. it was damp and hot, air stagnant against his skin. josh prayed it wouldn't start pouring.. not now..

he had no idea where to go- sat alone on the bus stop bench, homeless, gay, and afraid, homesick for the lone person he valued, to kiss him and feel his body against his own.

it felt like that scene in that one star wars movie where two people are connected by some supernatural force; like they were in the same room but planets apart. josh could sense tyler there, he could see his face in the patterns of the clouds, feel his fingers in his hair. it was the color olive green, for some odd reason, taupe and brown, black and white. the moment was surreal. tyler was so close to him, his cherry lips cascading down his neck, hot breath on his shirt, secondary heartbeat on his chest. he reached to the sky and the sense of the being, trying so hard to call out for him to never leave again, but his hand was smacked down by a woman with a cart walking by. she make a snickering noise and disappeared. josh never saw her again.

and just like that, tyler was gone, vanished like the wind into nothing. josh had never felt so alone.

two clubbed thumbs wiped his tears for him as he layed on his back, heart distraught as he wondered why tyler had gone so quickly. was it a one night thing, or was it meant to be? the boy was so purely the color burgundy, navy blue and gold, perfectly pink and cherry red. icy grey and muted pewter, purple and yellow and orange and green. but tyler joseph was not the color black, not a dangerous face in a field of his auras, playful and safe. this boy was like a guardian angel. all josh wanted was to protect him, but at the same time he felt as if he was the one being protected.

josh knew he wouldn't find tyler by laying on a park bench. he knew he wouldn't set out to find him if he didn't want to kiss his peachy lips again. if he was going to be rejected, he needed to know the answer. sitting here overthinking and worrying about his safety would get him nowhere. if he was going to fall in love, he needed to do it now. no friends left to be chosen over him, no incompetence to compete with. truly a perfect scenario, just like the ones he created in his head every night when insomnia struck. except this one was real.

sitting up now, gazing into the newly dawn sky, josh's feet were planted in the grass beneath him. unable to move along to his heart's content, to his love, afraid of the word 'no.'

"can i see your eyes one more time, t, your smoky quartz?"

the agonizing lonely breeze in that park stung josh's nose, tears freezing before they reached the eye. his feet wouldn't budge, but his arms were on the ground already. rolling over and over like a puppy on command, juggling the unresponsive limbs into motion to begin the journey onward. he eventually found his footing and stood up, tiny baby steps closer and closer.

he didn't know which direction to travel in, but josh knew every movement got him somewhere. every second ticking by as the weight on his shoulders popped joints, backpack and contents jostling about from his balance deprived manner of walking.

he would kiss this boy one day or another, whether it be today, or tomorrow, or next year, he would keep walking until he saw him again. he would not sleep, eat, or even drink anything until his life was saved by tyler joseph, one last time. 

... 

a/n

hey sorry for not uploading as much, i've been fighting some pretty bad writers block, so this chapter might not be as good as the others.

cheers


	10. ten

tyler stood there frozen. his body in the mirror reflected a storybook of scars, sad frowns and hollow chests, darkness nearly swallowing him. he wasn't drowning- he was fine -but his head was underwater and his lungs were full to the brim with deathly thought. consumed by inner demons and fear and insecurity, afraid of his own hands and his own image in the pane of glass above the vanity. it felt like the mirror was shattered, these seven years past were years of bad luck, even though every piece was intact and safely throwing a clear view of the human being standing over the sink. distorted to the eyes of the beholder, scattered and scrambled and mixed like a poem with no melody, lost in the sea of his own thoughts. tyler was yet to find the glue to connect his imaginary fragments. was this glue a thing? a place? an activity? a person? was it letting go, was it gaining, was it staying where he was, no one knew, but it was something he didn't have hold of. or did he possess it? truth be told it's been sitting in his yard in the pouring rain for three hours now, terrified of the words that may emerge from his mouth, and of the other's, still yet to muster the courage to knock on the door and ask for a bowl of soup at five thirty three in the morning. it was unknown and ungodly why the two boys were awake and contemplating so early in the morning, at the exact same time, perhaps it was fate, perhaps it was luck, maybe it was meant to be. he was meant to be held down and kissed on the neck, he was meant to fall asleep in the muscular boy's arms, he was meant to slather makeup all over his hickeys, it was written in the stars how tyler was to live these years of recovery. recuperating his broken spirit to learn to love again, even if the only thing he held in his hands and sang to sleep was himself.

there was nothing he wanted more than to see josh again, to be treated like a little prince and kissed up, down, and sideways. the feeling of the pressure on his chest of another man's heartbeat was indescribable, tyler held no words to lay in the box of adjectives to label that certain emotion, but he knew it was the first step to take on the path lit ahead of him. so special, so intricate, so precious, so valued, almost priceless, nearly platinum status, it appeared so golden, his first time immersed in trust and satisfaction. was he wrong to put so much of himself into another person, and have him never come back? were things really supposed to go further than neck bites? he sure hoped not, it did not sound as beautiful as what had actually occurred.

the sky danced in screaming hues, painted sour by the stinging taste of the acid morning, missing people and missing who he used to be, polaroids and fantasies remembering a life he never lived: stuffed in a box and thrown into the closet. memories he could no longer recall, faces with no face to them, and markings made on his skin that meant something to him again, regaining ever so slowly as josh's eyes resurfaced from the shadows in the bathroom mirror.

what was this longing, if he always denied the definition? how could you kiss someone for three hours straight and not fall head first? that was the one thing throwing tyler joseph for a loop. his constant state of awareness, fear to trust, and suspicion for anyone who dared to attempt a relationship was rotting his mind, and his heart. his lungs were full of fluid from drowning in thoughts, negative perceptions of every single person he'd ever met overwhelmed him, influencing each experience of his entire two years of 'recovery'. it sure felt like he was getting nowhere in this journey, thanks to these voices haunting his eardrums.

he pulled his sleeve over his makeup-covered arms, faking a smile in the mirror and choking on his own self-loathing. he did not think his eyes shimmered in the florescent lights, he did not think his hair was a pure satin wave, and he sure as hell did not believe that he was any good at all. the way he couldn't even smile at himself, let alone anyone else, shattered his very core. why couldn't he just man up and love himself and be so incredibly egocentric like all the guys at school? what did he have that no one else did, that set him apart?

he was interrupted by a frantic knock at the front door. rain was pouring down and the world was darkened by the inevitability of a day ruined.

no one went to answer it. everyone was still locked away in their slumber. so he was left with the agonizing task of seeing who needed help from their house specifically at six a.m.

the peephole did no justice, covered in condensation from the humid downpour, useless.

three locks were reversed, a knob was turned, and the door was torn away from the rubber stripping in a fit of thunder and fear.

the person was a male, in a tee shirt and shorts, blond hair matted over his forehead, with a sleeve tattoo on one arm and other designs he couldn't quite make out on the other. two red plugs, a nose ring, and a hole in the center below his bottom lip. bare feet blistered and dirty, caked in mud and grass that reached halfway up his shins.

it was josh.

the boy pulled his hair away from his face and stared up at tyler for five seconds, examining every inch of him.

it took him longer than usual to recognize him, despite spending months and months piecing together the route to his house from what he remembered (after only going once) and painting portraits of his body in the dirt with his pinkie finger.

"t-ty.. ler"

he let out a sigh of relief and exhaustion after choking out the name, drenched in the rain and shivering like a traffic pole in an earthquake.

"st-stay there, let me get towels, and blankets, and... i'm so sorry, please, just... one second.... they arent here... ugh, we have to be quiet or i'll get strangled... hold on..."

he was rummaging through the hall closet in pursuit of a warm wrap for josh, crying now because the storage seemed to be empty.

finally he found one and stood under the awning with him.

"can i take your shirt off?"

it sounded so... awkward, so.. ew, but as dire as the situation was, that feeling was shrugged off sooner than it began to sit upon his shoulders.

he nodded and held shaking arms up above his head.

so he did it. one swift motion, and a grey, freezing torso was then cradled inside a towel and blanket.

without even a warning, the boy removed heavy shorts and placed them in another towel, before letting the gigantic blanket unfold to cover his entire figure. his eyes shut as tyler wrapped his arms around his waist, shivering and whimpering ever so slightly as his brown hair brushed against his face.

neither spoke. they just picked up the remaining towels and excess, stepped inside the house, shut the door, and locked it. then they pushed each other into the bathroom and locked that as well.

both sat in the bathtub and on top of each other, no kisses, just simply for warmth and shelter. and there they stayed till the clouds wore away and mrs. joseph rapped on the door asking for tyler's presence. he pulled the curtain closed and responded.

"why did you open the door this morning, before i woke up, i heard it?"

he shrugged.

"i just wanted to smell the rain. no real reason."

he could feel his fingers tingling from the physical contact.

"i heard you talking."

"i talk to myself, ma, i thought you knew that. i do it when im lonely, and i was lonely, because you weren't up yet."

she nodded.

"well, i'm up now! come here, let's watch some tv and snuggle."

he shook his head.

"i'm still getting ready."

"you look fine, you don't need to be fancy for your mamma, come on now."

and at that he was pulled away, against his will as he watched the bathroom door slowly and silently close again, the distant, faint click of the lock lifted the weight off.

he plopped down on the sofa and was engulfed by his mother's arms, as the tv blared the national news and he drifted off to sleep.

"we have two whole hours until i need to leave. i want to chat with you, don't go back to sleep!"

his belly flipped at that remark, but how bad could it possibly be?

"i've never known your favorite color, or what car you want, or what college you want to go to, i dont even know what your favorite song is. let's play twenty one questions."

thank god...

"well mom, i like red and black, i don't care much about cars, and i'm terrified of colleges. my favorite song is ways to go by grouplove and that's only four questions, seventeen more to go then it'll be my turn."

"looks like we've still got a ways to go."


	11. eleven

tyler was bathed in sunlight and swaddled in two fleece blankets when his eyes opened. he was on his belly on the couch, arms tucked under his head and ankles crossed, and his hair was a matted mess of curls over his forehead. he glanced at the digital face of the cable box under the television to see it was three thirty three in the afternoon. the ash grey hoodie that wrapped his skinny, bony frame gave tyler a sense of security, paired with black sweats and white socks, he felt so comfortable. yet reality seemed to be paused.

the house was silent and still, no wind, no birds, not even the neighbors' dogs. time had apparently stopped. he threw the blankets off and stood in front of the tv, gazing at his reflection in the black idle screen. the green light in the bottom right corner indicated that it was still on but it didnt make a single noise. he flicked it with his fingernail, thinking it was just a static interruption, but nothing happened. the only thing tyler could hear was his heartbeat and his breathing, and his fingers against the wall. he turned now to the window, the trees were frozen, no rustling of leaves, there were no signs of life. the dirt didn't glisten of bugs every now and then, and the three, four, five clouds that were in the sky didn't budge and morph into animal shapes like they always did. there was nothing outside or in. the sun didn't glare in his eyes, it sat like a ball in a basket, hovering lifeless over a dead earth. the lights were all off in everyone's houses, and the little kids did not come out to ride their bikes like they always did at lunchtime, the old lady next door did not go and check her mailbox for the sixth time in one day. the routine of everyone breathing in and out had ceased and tyler's head began to spin. where was life?

he stumbled on through the house, begging now for someone to press the on button again. if this was his simulation the computer had been disconnected, or someone spilled soda pop on the power outlet.

his bedroom clock no longer ticked, the curtains didn't wave in the air conditioner breeze, so the oxygen mix was stagnant and heavy. the bathroom door was shut and locked, no sound from the other side. that's when he remembered... josh.

he started to pound on the door and push against it, screaming out words that didn't exist. he saw himself going insane, losing control and leaving his own body. his mind was a buzz of dull, no thoughts being processed at all, his arms and his legs convulsed in kicks and punches on the frame until a crack shot through the very center. his ears rang with sound as his eyes shut tight on tidal waves, shaking and afraid of his own ability. the world still ignored him, no responses to his own lonesome.

maybe josh had left through the window? maybe the entire neighborhood was playing a trick on him? you can put filters on windows that make the outside look different, he knew that, so what if this was their little thing to get him?

tyler told himself he wouldn't live past this day, time really stopping or not, he had never lost his mind so severely. whatever ended the day wouldn't happen at this moment because every method he possessed was behind the bathroom door. he looked over his shoulder at the crack in it now, tongues of light leaking through onto the hardwood. there he saw a bit of flesh that- moved, twitched, he swore it. dizzy, dizzy, dizzy, it all fell down, literally, his shoulders hit the floor and the weight of the whole universe landed on top. suffocated by the air and the heat of reality, tyler gasped for breath, clenching his fists to maybe grab hold of whatever was occuring in that now darkened hallway.

every door opened now, with no people behind him, and the day fell in love with the night, so they became one. noon to midnight in one swing of a switch. ears ceased to ring again and the barbell was lifted off, a gust of wind threw the trampoline in the backyard, and every dog began to bark all at once. the damage to the bathroom door suddenly healed and a warping concept of confusion was standing up in front of it. tears were streaming down his face and neck, fingernails purple, eyes bloodshot. he collapsed against the wall on the other side, continuing to cry as the skies did. the rain didn't stop until the sun rose again.

it took a while before tyler was ready to stand up again, to open the bathroom door and check if josh had survived that fall through space. maybe he hadn't even taken the plunge at all, perhaps he had held on a little bit better. it was now three thirty three in the morning and quickly it became three thirty four. that's when tyler knew he had escaped it. on his knees, shaky, he turned the knob and fell forward, crashing the barrier between him and josh down. and there he saw the blond, tattoo sleeve covered arm hanging over the edge of the tub. his body lay perfectly still but his chest rose and fell, his lips were ruby pink and his eyes looked like the night sky full of stars. he was wearing tyler's grouplove hoodie and tyler's black jeans that had holes in the knees.

the second they made eye contact, josh hopped from the tub and, seeing tyler's expression soaked in tears, bounded over and held him in his lap. here he kissed down his neck and all over his face, holding firmly onto his hips. this was what they both needed so badly. josh held tyler's face in both his hands now, after he got his couple minutes, and pressed so passionately into the brunet's lips, knocking him over so he could push his body against the other's. the boy on the bottom whimpered ever so gently at the touch, but melted into a kiss in the dark. the door slowly clicked shut in silence as yellow, purple hickeys erupted between tyler's collarbones, a space so precious and romantic to him. he wasn't afraid anymore. he wasn't drowning anymore. he was kissing josh now and that was all he ever wanted. eventually the clock struck four a.m. and tyler gasped for air again, this time for a happy reason, touching josh's soft skin under his shirt. his voice would crack without even speaking as the divine happiness and love sprung from his heart.

"now.. baby, tell me what's wrong."

he couldn't even speak.

"why did you come to me crying?"

he shook his head and shut his eyes. he couldn't think of what happened and explain it in words without embarrassing himself.

"don't be afraid. you won't ever make a fool of your own brain, so don't fear your voice. tyler, i'm scared for you. i don't want you to get bad."

the concern in josh's words helped a small whine out from tyler's lungs but not much else.

his teeth were clenched now, eyes still shut, wondering if any uttered phrase would be worth the trouble.

"t-time." was all he got. as hard as he tried, the stress of that moment held him hostage.

"it-... it-sssss..stopped."

getting more sure of himself after every syllable, he attempted more explanation.

"it-... held me.. downnn."

"threw meeee, sickened. felt l-like the world fell."

"i can't do th-this. the world dieeeed for a minute."

josh tilted his head to the side and blinked accordingly as he listened to the slurred, yet sober speech, patient and content with the contact.

"i'm proud of you."

he whispered very gently, running his fingers through tyler's curly hair.

"d-did you feel it?"

josh shook his head.

"you had a night terror, t, it's okay. i have them all the time."

"you-you mean i'm crazy?"

the energy changed immediately. the brunet tossed his arms around the blond's neck and buried his face in the crook of his shoulder, beginning to sob again.

"no, sweetie, no, if anyone's crazy it's the both of us because i have them too! there's nothing wrong with you! look at me, bug. i love you and i missed you so much. i'm never leaving again."

two brown eyes met. two brown eyes closed. lips collided once again, the only way they knew how to show their love in such a dire moment.

after separation, and they sat next to each other against the side of the bathtub, the house was still again. usually tyler's family snored at this time, four twenty one, but there was no sign. his stomach flipped but when he watched josh watch him, his subtle movements reassured him. then, looking up, tyler noticed a note stuck on the mirror.

he stood up and grabbed it, sitting back down the very second he had it in his fingers. he read it to himself first before repeating it aloud.

"ty, we had to take everyone to take papaw to the icu, he isn't doing very well. i knew how hard it would be for you to see him how he is, so we decided not to take you along, for your sake. please don't take it personally, this paints no negativity over your name, bug.-"

he choked up at the nickname, but continued to read. josh stood behind him, resting his head on his shoulder and hugging his waist.

"we will come home and retrieve you if something happens, but for now, know that he is safe and everything is alright. call mom, or maddie, or zack, or jay, or gramma if you need anything. we love you and we don't want you to be sad. you'll be fine. - mom."

tyler let the paper drop at his feet. he couldn't express or explain to himself the emotion and reaction to pick out for what his eyes had just absorbed. his mind was flooded with the cursive words and what he could possibly do with them.

instead of speaking he turned around, opened the door, pulling josh with him, and pushed both of them into his bedroom. he turned the light on. things must've gotten dire if they were still there at halfway to five in the morning. but a lot of people stay overnight. after all, she did say that if something happened, he would know.

"they never tell me anything. they could've taken me and it would've had the same effect. it's like i'm invisible to them, they never think of me when they want to do something as a family. they think they spare me a hardship when all they do is create a new one when i'm left all alone. i am no one's choice."

josh, in one swift motion, placed a single hand on the boy's chest and pushed him backwards onto the bed. his strong legs had each its own spot on either side of tyler's waist, hugging him tightly. his chest was a soft weight on the other, hands in the hair again. he kissed him roughly now, first on the mouth, then moving down his neck until he got a satisfactory whine from the boy.

"listen to me. i have sworn to protect you from the world and its sharp teeth, even your own teeth, no matter what. it sucks to be ignored, i know how it feels, i got kicked out of my own house. i feel how hard this is for you. trust me, i know. but you are not nobody's choice. you are my first choice and i need you to remember that forever. i love you more than everything that has ever existed, and everything that ever will. you saved my life, i'm sure of it, so stay here with me and we can live on and love on. carpe diem et noctem, mi amor."

tyler sniffled.

"you just spoke three languages."

josh giggled that famous giggle, pecking him on the lips before running his fingers up and down the boy's arms.

"that's my job, to make you laugh. i love you, again."

tyler nodded.

"i love you too. now kiss me, again."


	12. twelve

"oh home, let me go home.. home is wherever i'm with you.."

tyler sang softly, with his fingers in josh's hair, staring out of his bedroom window. he held the boy on his chest in bed, blankets covering the both of them, as tyler sat propped up against three downy pillows. the sun beamed down on the blond's bleach locks, casting a curly shadow against the red walls. tyler had never felt more secure in his entire life, holding someone he loved after being gone for so long, littered with hickeys and rose petals. his shirtless body twitched every so often when his heart sang a peaceful melody, pressure on his hips pulling his legs around josh's waist

there was nothing he would love more than to be cuddling josh, he imagined the chorus to be something that they both felt, planting kisses on each other's skin. his eyes emitted some sort of pinkish tone mixed with yellow to form peach, it was safety in its purest state.

but he couldn't help but think still, even after every confirmation that there was nothing to think about. the redness from his bloodshot retinas pushed it into a sheath of orange, like the plump fruit hanging desperately from its branch. was this moment real? was josh really sincere about his actions, motives, or even the smile he wore on his face as he slept on tyler's chest? did he truly mean it when he drove him against the wall and pushed his lips onto the other's, gently gripping his waist? was this not another dream? tyler had so many more questions than he knew himself. his mind was a thunderstorm, chaos fogging up the windows of his heart, who was trying to tell him that the sky was in fact clear. what would he even call what he was getting into? all he felt was deny, deny, denial in the world of love and romance, still burnt and scarred from the past fires that ravaged the mountain range of his body. fires he tried to hide from but could never outrun, ones that took him by surprise and knocked the wind from his sails, and some that he believed he allowed to occur. it was not ever tyler joseph's fault that he was chained to a post in the middle of the desert for years on end, with no water, or food, starved to death on the phrase "i love you."

josh's arms were pressed up against tyler's, creating a throbbing sensation that the boy could feel every one of his scars and each and every single nit-picked flaw on his skin. ridges of inches long, tender skin erupted into swollen, blood-blistered marks. but still josh didn't react, and still slept soundly while tyler kept brushing his dyed hair from his brow. the brunet realized his bare skin at this moment, no longer shielded from everyone's (no one's) judgment, exposed to the stagnant air. he had no memory of how he had lost his beloved hoodie, or why, or when. he had never taken his shirt off for anyone by choice, let alone someone he hardly knew.

tyler was overcame with the urge to ask a question aloud. he needed to raise his voice and make a sound that josh could hear and acknowledge. but how dare he awaken and shatter the slumber? this moment was so peaceful and had endured for a total twenty one minutes, longer than tyler could ever sleep in the daytime, much less the night.

he battled himself on the inside, should he say the words, or should he simply shut up, push it to the back of his mind forever? was it really important enough of a question to wake up josh over?

"josh,"

his stomach lurched already at the sound of his own voice.

"do you hate me?"

there was not a single sound, neither from the world outside nor from the universe inside. even though tyler had heard josh say that he loved him, and himself reciprocate, he was still unsure. it was a special type of insecurity that had been gifted to him from a pallette full of dark colors that he used to paint a portrait of an ill fate; one that he cringed at and tried his best to ignore. it was still always there nonetheless.

tyler was so focused on overthinking every piece of what he had uttered that he hadn't heard the answer.

"tyler!"

he jumped, to find josh sitting on his lap, gliding the backs of his hands up and down tyler's sides.

"i'm so sorry, please, just don't hurt me, i shouldn't have spaced out, i shouldn't have woken you up, i'm sorry, sorry... AGH, sorry!"

josh put his finger on his lips and grabbed both of the boy's hands with his own. then he began to kiss him softly, pinning his arms over his head. eventually he got more passionate, working his tongue into the picture with a smile behind his eyes. fingers intertwined, hearts colliding, it was a textbook love scene, if i ever saw one. the sky remained in its open posture, rods of yellow light screamed through the gaps in the blinds, filling the room with an unmistakable purity.

tyler's stomach rumbled underneath josh's hands, as he grabbed the blond's neck to move at his pace. there was no urge to go any further, since they both had drawn a hand completely consisted of the ace of spades, blissfully romantic but never any darker pink.

"you hungry, bug?"

josh released the boy and sat up.

he shook his head.

"kiss me."

"no, you need to eat. i'm not kissing you until you eat something."

tyler, with his arms still wrapped around josh's neck, pulled him back in and smooched him for a split second before being pushed off. his ears immediately burned.

"i'm sorry, i'm so selfish.. please don't be mad, i-"

josh cocked his head to the side and touched the side of the brunet's face with the back of his hand.

"i'm not mad, i'm just worried about you."

**a/n-- hi hi there's a bit of a violent flashback here so if that makes you uncomfy skip till the next note. stay safe :) cheers**

tyler was suddenly thrown out of reality, his eyes shut tight and he lost all his grip. the room was dark again, and he was alone, laying on his back on the bed. there were no blankets, or even a pillow. the window was open, cold wind violently blowing in and freezing his skin on contact. tyler shivered and twitched but he couldn't move, and then he turned his eyes to the door and froze from the inside.

there was a shadow, around five foot ten, with long auburn hair and two brown eyes that shone like light bulbs in the deadly silence. she stood in the doorway and watched him convulse and whimper, paralyzed in the winter's storm. he remembered snow falling on to him, coating even the floor and his legs. he couldn't picture what he was wearing, and assumed it was a pair of boxers, but he wasn't sure. terror pumping through every vein and artery, in and out and in and out, aching, stabbing, throbbing pain, while his chest swelled with water he wasn't drowning in, the sensation of suffocation would never leave his throat. his hands were blue and grey and purple, nearly black in some spots, frostbitten and painted. and she stayed, watching with no emotion, malicious and full to the brim with the purpose of her bloody intentions. was tyler still asleep? why was he just laying there and allowing the torture to happen? then it hit him, there was no way he could fight it, even if that's what he did in the flashback or not. his plan would backfire before he even thought of it and the bruises on his ribcage would make him regret it.

tyler could hear himself begin to talk, while he had no control over the words at all.

"why are you mad at me? what did i do wrong?"

she just stood in the doorway, motionless for several minutes before shaking her head.

"you know why you're here. this isn't a punishment. you just need to have your time. i'm not closing the window until you agree."

his throat was clogged with fear. there was no way he would let her take advantage of his body, not now, not now! tyler knew that she knew, but there was a wall in her ears that blocked out the words.

"this will only make us stronger. you said you were ready for a long-term relationship with me, and i want to see that you're really in love like you say you are. please just let me lay on you and kiss you, touch you and let you kiss me, whatever you want."

her body pulsed with a negative energy as she floated towards him. he could see her face more clearly now, her soft cheekbones nearly glittering in the sparse moonlight.

tyler needed to say something, he remembered this moment vividly, and he swore that he spoke before it ended.

"it'll be fun, ty, look.."

he shut his eyes as tight as he could, crossing his arms over his chest and bringing his legs up over them to become a little ball of tangled nerves and terror. every move he made was involuntary, extremely sudden and absolutely terrifying to say the least. it was sort of a third person experience except it was from first person view. his heart skipped over eight beats and he could feel his every limb tremble.

then the next sequences became a blur. she pulled him apart like bad glue on a get well card, the color black was all he could see, even if his eyes were opened. through the darkness, she spoke. 

**a/n: there you go. right here. you made it.**

"tyler joseph, i'm not mad, i'm just worried about you."

it was such a sick thought. even though tyler had suddenly returned to the actual current moment, he could still feel the agony in his rib cage as he begged to be released, screaming and crying, and kicking did nothing. for hours and hours, he let this occur, and she couldn't hear a damn thing he said.

he opened his eyes to see if it was still going on, only to see josh on top of him and kissing his neck, hands tightly secured to the sides of his face.

in one swift motion, he pushed him off, fell from the bed, screaming once more.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

he sprinted faster than he ever had before, nearly busting the garage door down as he slammed it behind him. scurrying around the stuffy room, he searched tirelessly for something, but he didn't know what it was. something to hurt himself, something to arm his frail body, or something to keep his racing heart entertained as it slowed, he wasn't sure. he had to hold something in his hands.

"tyler!"

he found a knife, somehow, holding it in his hands and surveying its every inch.

josh smacked the weapon out of his fingers, and pulled him to the floor.

"tyler, it's just a flashback! it's not real!"

he gasped for air and curled into a ball again.

"don't tell me you were going to hurt yourself with that..."

he shook his head. the thought of relapsing made chills run down his spine, because he knew he wouldn't be able to stop. he couldn't bear it.

"listen to me, okay? your past doesn't define you. it may have hurt you bad, it still exists, but it's not all you are. you're not your assault, alright? you're just a guy, who got assaulted. you have a right to be scarred, you're allowed to be afraid of me. but i don't want you to hurt anymore. i want to help you."

tyler's hands still shook as he gazed at the knife lying three feet away from his hands, on the floor. oh how tempting, he thought, but he couldn't break another person's heart by refusing to listen to their cries.

"is it okay if i hold your hands?"

the brunet looked up at josh with red, puffy eyes, bottom lip quivering as he started to cry. he shook his head and stayed rigid on the concrete floor, almost like a board. his fingers were tightly curled against his palms, so that his shiny, brittle nails dug into the soft skin. 

"look, i'm sorry i scared you. i shouldn't have kissed you and touched you without asking. i should've known you weren't okay with it. that's my fault, i'm sorry, tyler."

he shook his head again.

"not your fault."

his eyes blinked shut and opened again after a few seconds.

"i could've told you that i'm prone to episodes like that."

"you don't owe me any of that. nothing about what happened is your fault. i could've handled this better."

tyler stood up this time, with his hand tightly gripping the workbench to his right to steady his faint balance.

"josh, goddammit!"

the blond flinched slightly as his back faced the door, inches away from tyler's nose.

"stop taking the blame! it was neither of our faults, there's nothing i can do to control my flashbacks and so you tried to help me by kissing me. which you know i like. you knew how to make me feel safe and you tried it. i'm not m-mad at you, i was scared."

it was silent. not a thing moved, no wind, nothing, before it was broken.

"i'm determined to make this thing work. i can't lose another friend."

a smile crept over josh's face and he patted tyler's shoulders, staring straight into his eyes. the boy smiled back and lunged forward, pressing his lips into the other's for a single moment before pulling away and pressing the opener button. the colorful sky lit up like a neon welcome sign, and the sun beamed down on their cold bodies. it felt so cliche: the way he just forgave him. the way tyler could just push things away and forget about them, only for that thing to come screaming back at him like a boomerang at the most pure times. he knew it would return and hit the back of his head, haunting his every move, but for right now he had thrown it far away and could no longer see it. right now, he was standing in the open air with josh. the world felt so sweet, yet numb, begging him to breathe with open arms. as he grabbed josh's hands and bounded out into the empty streets, spinning and dancing and jumping, laughing and smiling, he touched the blond's face and he did that thing where only one side of his face smiles and the other just looks in awe. kind of like a smirk but the 'i'm in love with you' kind. even though he wouldn't admit it, there were butterflies in his belly and a swirling bundle of pink in his mind.

"let's go to the park. i wanna climb something."


	13. thirteen

"there are so many songs i'd love to write, but i don't have any idea how to. all these melodies and structures in my head, with their fancy notes and such, my fingers just can't copy their movements. i don't suppose you know how to?"

tyler practically yelled as he and josh swung back and forth on the swingset, chains bouncing as they went too high, but neither cared. the boys were as close as they'd ever be to flying, so effortlessly gliding along the surface of the sky. and as the moment fell silent, josh began to think. he'd been playing drums since he was twelve, and longing for it since he was six, and though he never thought himself very good at it, he knew he could play whatever tyler wanted. sixteen and growing like a thunderstorm on a humid spring day, his knees ached and his fingers typed away at so many words he never had the guts to say aloud. speaking of which, there were so many things he wished he could say to tyler. the brunet boy kept swinging higher than him, thinking his own thoughts and living in his own little world; josh wondered if he felt the same way. he was no doubt in love with him, head over calloused heels, he decided he would do anything to protect him. so delicate and soft, gentle and ethereal, navy blue and gold, just like snow and hail storms, tyler's smile erupted into a soft velvetly pink that lit up josh's sky like a valentine's day dress, a box of chocolates tied up with red ribbon, and a crimson rose tucked neatly into a pair of stockings. his eyes were muddy rain puddles, polished river rocks on the shoreline, and starry nights full of trickling meteors and a cresent moon. josh was staring so deeply at tyler as he continued to swing that he didn't notice when they eventually sat still after both had let their feet drag in the mulch.

they each searched for something to say. lips layed puckered and pursed in the likely event one would collapse in the other's arms and fall in love. it was an odd feeling, to be so quiet and completely comfortable with it. josh pictured how he could get tyler on his lap and then attempt to swing again, but with just himself on the seat, the old, rusty set was already beginning to groan. so instead he reached out and touched tyler's face with the backs of his fingers, positioning his swing just close enough to grab him and kiss him. the boy jumped slightly.

"it's okay."

josh's voice felt louder than it actually was, even though he was just whispering, because it seemed as though the entire city of columbus ohio had fallen dead.

"i won't hurt you, i'm sorry."

tyler shook his head and smirked for a split second.

"don't be."

josh had stood up now, perched right behind tyler while he reached back and held behind his knees. they both stared for what felt like hours at the late afternoon sky as it escalated into dusk.

"this is the park i met you at."

the silence had been broken.

"it is. remember how beautiful you looked?"

"pft!"

tyler scoffed and turned dark pink, burying his face in his hands.

"so handsome and pretty, so incredible, mr. tyler joseph."

he burst into laughter now, and while he had no clue why being complimented was so hilarious, he'd never heard someone say it so sincerely, so he didn't know how to react.

josh moved in front of him and grabbed tyler's calves, pulling him into the mulch with him.

"i'm serious! you make my heart skip beats with that pretty ass smile, i fucking adore the way you were created. i prayed every day to meet someone as gorgeous as you, and let's just say you exceeded all my expectations and way, way more."

the brunet's legs were on either side of josh, who was on his knees sitting in the mulch a foot away, twiddling his thumbs with the other as they held hands.

"i swear to god you saved my life."

this forced a tear from all four eyes in the park. all alone, sitting together, crying softly as their hearts filled with pink.

"tyler, i.. oh my god.. fuck cutesy ways of putting things, just kiss me, that'll say it."

and so they did. a little push, on his back, holding him down with his knees against his hips, gripping both hands under either ear, and feeling two more around his own back. neither of them cared about the wood chips getting caught in their hair, but they enjoyed having it pulled by the other person. there weren't a whole lot of things they loved more in the world than each other in that moment, but tyler could not bring himself to say it. sure, he liked him, but he was too scarred from his past relationship to begin a new one. every single one of the bruises quickly healed and faded, and yet every time he took off his clothes to shower he swore he could see them all still. but what else could this thing be other than love? you can't kiss a boy over and over and then just be friends: that isn't how it works. all he could really muster up in his head was "it's complicated," and it really was, he would stare at the cieling with a furrowed brow, saying, "yeah, i hang out with this guy, and he kisses me and touches me and cuddles me, tells me i'm amazing and he says he loves me, but we're just friends, ya know? we're not dating." even that felt like a lie to arrange in his mind, let alone say aloud. not like he ever said it aloud either, no one in his life accepted that sort of thing, which he of course thought was bullshit.

it was weird how josh could just read tyler's mind like that. it was like his kisses became verbal, he could understand the brunet's feelings right there on his lips. colors flew like sparks in the night, turning the stars into a magnificent display of vibrant hues.

"you're the only one who just gets it."

touching tyler's lips with his index finger, and cocking his head to the side, josh felt the need to break the late silence.

"i can understand you perfectly. you're crystal clear and honest, you remind me of glitter. i always try to make everyone feel safe and secure whenever they're with me, and i'm getting the feeling that i've succeeded in that, with you."

tyler nodded. this boy was his safe place, the first person in a while that made him feel like he was worth a little more than the dirt he kicked with his shoe as he and josh walked back to the pavement.

"but just remember! how golden the sky was when i saw you, how dark and churning it used to be! think of how the sun shone into your eyes and the way the dirt matched your hair. think how it must've felt to meet you, tyler joseph, for twenty one seconds, remember how amazing it made me feel."

tyler knew josh was right, but he couldn't accept it. he couldn't bear to think of how he had helped someone by merely existing and showing up the time he did. it was overwhelming. his face burned with a peachy pink flush, but that boy could feel the darkness creeping back up again. no amount of love could ever smudge it out, both of them knew that, swearing at the cliche of every single love story ever written. how does a fling from the heart change the ice in the brain? it doesn't. but it can warm up your core from the inside out, so they were gonna give themselves a try.


	14. fourteen

the sky was white. the neighborhood was grim. it felt like the world had thrown up the truce flag, surrendered to the late fall's gravity. it felt like time was rushing bashfully forward toward a certain fate that josh didn't particularly enjoy. he didn't want the holidays to come, since he had no one to celebrate them with except for tyler and the seldom few friends he'd met at the tiny tiny homeless encampment downtown. none of them seemed to crave his presence quite as much as tyler did. his gentle, blushed smile still burned bright in his cold mind like a fireplace in a frigid room. he shivered violently as the wind picked up, making baby steps along the icy road to an unknown place. sometimes josh just liked to walk. it didn't matter if he never got anywhere, or ended up not far from where he started, but at least he was looking at feet that scraped the ground he'd glued his eyes to that he hadn't seen before.

"i think you would beat the moon in a pretty contest-"

he didn't even notice that he was singing out loud. looking up for a split second, the people buzzing past like the snowflakes had their eyes plastered to the cement sidewalk, just like him. no one seemed to notice. tight chested, cold sweating, teeth clenched, he kept walking, faster now, praying to God he was going the right direction to get to tyler's. and if not, he would turn around and try every other way that existed.

josh felt like the entire world was ignoring him. as good as it felt to have no one staring at his figure as he floated down the path, he seemed to be invisible. he didn't enjoy it, he didn't hate it. it just kind of... happened and no one tried to do anything to change it. the way time seemed to effortlessly drop off the rooftops of the skyscrapers that pierced the infinite clouds, how the cold stung josh's nostrils as he took in shallow, anxious breaths, the manner of the future and how it didn't seem to care about the present or the past. he didn't want to say that no one bothered, but that was the true definition of the moment. the populous had other things to do besides sit and lollygag on why this boy was walking downtown with a pale face and a rosy nose, singing a song with no title that didn't exist. this gave josh a sense of freedom he never experienced before. a sort of liberation from the shackles that held him down in his shoes to the concrete. it was so eye-opening to him to realize that he existed for himself now. not just solely for the amusement of others. sure, he wanted to make tyler happy, but that was just one person. he was used to his family and friends from school manipulating his limbs like a puppet on a string, calling and yelling in his ears a shade of red to be the success story they always wanted. 'stay in school' this and 'be a good business man for your family!' that. it was too much to bear, severing apart the ties that circled his neck so he could run as fast as he could away. this was his own special success story. there was no stopping this dream from becoming lucid and true.

meanwhile, tyler felt the weight of the world on his chest as he lay shirtless on the bathroom floor. dust and condensation fell all around his motionless body, an agonizing reminder that he thought himself to not be good enough to even clean the place. the truth was anything but. it wasn't his fault, he knew that, but for some reason he would not let his heart come to that conclusion. he was encircled about his pitch black mind, mindlessly obeying every whim and command till it pushed him to death. he was certainly waiting for it, but in the back of his mind, he saw josh there, patiently tapping his fingers on his lap to an imaginary beat. he saw that drummer smiling and welcoming his sorrowful eyes to warmth and safety. tyler couldn't let this voice in his ears pull him below the surface. this was a fight, not a dictation. endless sleepless nights fell on top of his head, years and years on high scraping against the cement. he was broken, he kept repeating it, that someone had picked him up like a toy and left disinterested by throwing him to the hard floor. yet, the world just kept spinning and hurling through her orbit unaffected. she didn't seem to care about the hardships exploding over her surface. or maybe she did care, like the stars' own mystery that tyler had wandered on before, perhaps baring the reason that time crept ever so slowly, so painfully on to a point of insanity and worthlessness exacerbated by the seconds wasted. or maybe his mind dreamed this whole thing. maybe he was being driven mad by the simulated absence of his Creator, lost in the woods of the world his inner darkness created. how desperately he wanted to escape this shell, this utter pain, and the bitter wasteland he layed in every night. but tyler had no clue how. it wasn't an easy job exiting a swirling vortex of your own head.

you know the feeling you get in the bottom of your belly when you reach the cement of a dark time? the aching, nauseous tingling that rings a bell in your ear telling you that it'll get better, the lovely voice that always overpowers the lonely chatter in the background. there seems to always be a good side to every breakdown, a way to get out of it, a way to find out even more about yourself, and how strong you are. you know that someday the sky will clear, but you just don't know when or how. that's what's so haunting about it, truly, the unpredictable weather of the seas in your head, knowing full well that the storm will pass, but never really knowing when. that was the spot tyler was in. he had proved to himself that it was gonna get better, using the past few years as evidence, but he wasn't entirely sure of how long his pain would last. it seemed to be everlasting, but who knew, this could be the last day he would grieve his past self.

"guess whose birthday's comin' up! tyler.. what do you want for your birthday?!"

a flush of crimson popped from beneath the fragile skin under tyler's eyes, just the thought of being the center of attention for an entire week or so was terrifying. he wasn't sure if he could handle all those eyes on him. but, maybe, just maybe, he would allow josh's eyes. if he would find him again, all would be pink for a bit - the ground would turn to velvet and the clouds would turn to cotton candy. tyler hated how cliche that sounded, but how did he get so lucky? he drew a hand solely of the ace of spades, compelling and pulling him in like a riptide. he loved the way it made him feel. to love was heaven, to die was to live.

"oh, c'mon now! anything you want!"

he shook his head. the only thing he wanted for his seventeenth birthday was to come out and be accepted, loved, happy, all he wanted was for all his scars to go away, for all his problems to go away. but he couldn't have that. as much as he needed friends that could appreciate him and support him, he knew he'd never have it because he just couldn't talk to anyone. the last thing that tyler wanted stood at the back of his mind. the one thing he knew would make his birthday the best one was right there at the front door. his name was josh dun.

knuckles rapped at the door, tyler sank into his seat and pulled his sleeves over his hands. shutting his eyes, he listened to his mother's voice change from warm welcome to bitter confusion.

"tyler.... who is this boy? he says he is looking for you."

the magma in his stomach stung his throat as he kept his joy at bay. his cheeks turned nearly blue at the description.

"he's got purple hair, a tattoo sleeve, a nose ring, earrings, his name is josh. do you know him or do i have to call the police?"

tyler froze.

"get your phone. call 9-1-1."

he immediately shook his head.

"he's my friend."

she walked around the table in front of him now.

"are you sure? he looks an awful lot older than you. does he give you gifts? does he act different around you?"

he stood up now.

"mom, he's only six months older than me, the only thing he gives me is his chips that he doesn't like that his mom packs for him."

tyler lied straight through his teeth, swallowing the lump in his throat that kept his blush and smile at bay.

"well alright then. you boys have fun. text me how you're doin' every now and then so i can check up on 'ya. bye now."

his shoulders dropped. he hated how she knew about josh, but it was okay if she only thought of him as a friend. the only problem with that was that tyler still thought of him as a friend. there was no way in hell he could let himself admit that he had fallen in love.

he stepped over to the door with a false mask of confidence to see the boy there, smiling, but nervously picking at the skin around his nails, which he immediately stopped when his eyes met the other's.

"hi!"

josh said the word in the warmest way. a way that acted as a fire in the hearth of a dead, cold room, one that instantly made tyler feel as ease.

the door shut behind them, locked, and both walked silently around the block and out of sight, looking back every now and then to see tyler's mother staring at them from the window. four blocks away, their hands found their ways to each other's, and tyler pulled josh's up to his lips. he yanked it back before grabbing the boy by the jaw and kissing him on the mouth. what a comfort that was. once he let go, he held his fingers still and looked him dead in the eyes.

"tyler, there's something i want to say to you that i've been waiting to confirm for a long time. i wasn't sure exactly when or how to tell you so i'm just gonna say it straight up. tyler joseph, i'm in love with you. i love you. there's nothing else i want in this world except for you. if you don't, that's okay, just remember that you make me immensely happy and proud of who i am. again, tyler, i love you."

the brunet's hands dropped to his side and his eyes went dark. for some reason, he knew the outcome of this confession. he thought that anyone who told him those three words would hurt him beyond repair. tyler thought this was the end. but it wasn't, he just refused to see the path that had just opened up, the person standing in front of him that was so willing to help him get better, he just didn't see it. he stepped backwards and folded his arms against his chest.

"the last person who told me this, right in this spot, almost killed me. don't come any fucking closer, i'll hit you!"

it was at that very moment that they both realized their mistakes, but only one had made an actual error.

"how could you tell me that? were all those times you begged for me, you kissed me, you touched me, you said that you loved me, fake? does this mean a damn thing to you? do i mean anything to you besides a cute little one night stand? was all this pulling your hair and making out with you just so you could let out your frustrations, to make you feel good? did you use me like a drug? i feel so lied to! why would you do that?"

anger and fear still pulsed through tyler's veins. the way that josh couldn't even use his name in the accusation made it sting so much more.   
  
"answer me!"

he stayed silent.

"you know how much of an angel you were when i met you at the park? do you know how beautiful you looked to me? you still look as ethereal as you did when i first laid eyes on your pretty little face. you saved me that day. i was nearly considering ending it all, but when that little kid tugged at my fingers and showed you to me, i let it go. t- listen to me. i can't lose you. i can't have you be mad at me. it'll shatter me."

"i'm sorry."

tyler looked up and saw a red flame around josh's face. his throat shut and he ducked before his palm could touch his face. was he really trying to smack him?

"are you kidding me? sorry? that's all you have to say? i just told you i loved you and that's all you think of it?"

he lunged forward at josh, tears streaming down his face and soaking the sidewalk below him.

"you just tried to hit me! don't pretend like you're giving me all this gold when all you want in the end is someone to sleep with!"

the air hung stagnant as the city fell.

"listen, i shouldn't have said that, just.... please don't go."

tyler shook his head.

"you tried to hit me. you can't take anything back."

he saw the black vignette forming around his peripheral. something was creeping in, and it wasn't there to keep him safe and sound.

"why would you try to hit me before my birthday?"

it sounded so whiny when it came out of his mouth. he thought he sounded like a toddler arguing with his parents after a punishment. but this was different. the light of his world swung at him and nearly hit him.

"i didn't mean to. i promise i wasn't thinking of hurting you, tyler.. please!"

desperation rang out in the crack in josh's voice, a certain pop of color that only pulled tyler in deeper.

"i can't.... i just can't love anyone. i want to get better but i just can't give everything i have and trust someone not to crush it in their fist. i can't let you win."

"i won't win."

josh stepped slowly closer.

"you will someday."

tyler peered off to the sky so he wouldn't have to face the tears of joy and remorse that were slowly approaching.

"no, i mean, i can't win. you know what you want and you can't let go of it. you know your boundaries and i am here to respect those. if you don't want to give me anything, that's okay, i just want to make you feel like you're worth it. i'm so head over heels for you. you make me so happy."

tyler maintained his gaze, but blinked a little harder this time.

"look at me,"

he did.

"and tell me, did those times mean anything to you? what would you call them?"

the tears just came like a shattered dam.

"love."


	15. fifteen

"really?"

josh smirked, stepping so close that he could feel tyler's short breaths against his nose.

"because that's what i call them too."

the brunet pulled his eyes down to his feet and pursed his lips.

it was silent for a while, and josh kept on staring at him with a concerned look, waiting patiently for the response he predicted would come next, cooing in his ears.

the minute just felt close. it felt near, and with the absolute absence of the fear that tyler felt stabbing him in the back every time he was confronted with someone attempting to fall for him.

his gentle features were so sure of it. josh could tell. he had that expression sitting on his face that displayed that he knew the words he was going to say, though he didn't want to admit them. it was a certain 'wait for it' moment. his mouth opened, he prepared himself to completely let go of every wall he had spent so long perfecting and leaning up against like a locked bathroom door.

"i.."

tyler shook his head.

"sorry."

"no, it's fine, take your time, bug."

there it was again. another cameo of his favorite nickname.

he sniffled and blushed. against his will of course.

"i'm just gonna say it. if it kills me, okay. if it doesn't, i get to spend the rest of my life with you. but either way, i'm going to wake up terrified next to someone my parents can't ever know about, and someone i most likely won't recognize before the first couple weeks. but i know you've saved my life, so i will always remember you when i wake up after a nightmare at three in the morning. josh, i want you to hold me, i want you to show me that i'm worth it. because i know you care about this thing, i realize that you will always be here, so- sahlo folina, kiss me."

he did, for a split second, and lingered over his mouth for a moment afterwards.

"what's the word you've been keeping in for this whole time? what's the thing you've been aching over, been afraid of, been crying over? what have you been hiding that has been eating you alive?"

suspense hung in the wind-less afternoon. the sounds that tyler said, whether or not he lied about the way they made him feel would change the course of his entire life and either live on and on to haunt him whenever he was alone, or it would always be there to comfort him at night. there was no way he could let himself mess this up.

with no hesitation:

"yes. take me with you, take me on your life's journey, who cares if we fuck it up in the middle, wildfires burn elsewhere for a reason. they find a way to ravage the place and give people a run for their money. we'll rebel and we'll change the world, we'll dress in red and black, and challenge the rest of the planet together. i will always be glued to your side, and i will never let you be afraid. i will never let them taunt you. if you're anxious, i'm gonna be there. don't worry, josh, i love you too."

that famous toothy grin spread over the entirety of the purple-haired boy's face. there was no greater delight than gaining the sun to your army marching on their way to fight the darkness. in a fiery fuss he kissed him, grabbing him under the ears and burying the tops of his fingers in his curly hair.

how convenient was it that there just happened to be a tree behind them that josh could push tyler up against, to steady his shaking hands and turn the smooch into a rhythmic love.

"you're still that golden sun beam you were when i first met you. you're still the light in the dark hall i'm facin' down. you're still perfect, tyler, i just can't handle it. you make me feel immeasurably confident. with you, and for you, i could do anything."

"truly, i don't deserve you. i don't understand why i was chosen by some method above, somebody asked around and got your path straightened out so it lead to my bottomless pit, so we could start to fill it with pink. it's working. my life is pink. it's burgundy. it's purple. it's still black, it's still painful, no one is ever painless, yet i feel my wounds beginning to suture. i feel myself beginning to heal. all i really needed was that single push to get me over the edge and test my comforts so i could experience what it's like to be in love for the first time. or maybe it's just the heat of right now, maybe i'm high on adrenaline, but whatever it is, damn, i like it, and i hope you do too, because there sure is a hell of a lot of it."

"i'm here for that."

now, as they always do, after a proclamation of this sort, here lies a description of the events of pure love, true love, and its attributes. i'm not going to detail the exact process, as you've read it multiple times, disrupting the repetitive nature that is this melodic symphony of words, and i'm sure you know exactly what i mean.

in other words, another kiss.

the boys kept walking, towards a certain doom or maybe even paradise, but there seemed to be a lot of traveling by foot when you can't drive or have no resources in which to do so. the road turned straight and lead to the peachy sunset, afternoon beams fading and falling to the earth to become puddles of raging fire. what was it about this concept that made tyler joseph so happy? was it the way josh walked on the outside of the sidewalk and sheltered him on the inside? or was it his calm demeanor, always appearing to be ready to protect him at all times? it was that dominant aura, wasn't it? the way his muscles showed through his shirt and made him feel even more safe, or the way he walked with his hand out slightly with relaxed fingers so he could hold his whenever, or how his purple hair bounced as he walked. whichever one it was, or all of the above? it was. everything about this boy made him grin from the inside out. and that's when he decided - he was going to write a song about him someday. he didn't care, at the time, if the world gave up on the starstruck polyromantic asexual boy who plays the ukulele, bass, and piano, singing about his boyfriend. he would sing to no one if it meant he could get the words on paper and a chord sheet. he made a mental note of it. 'when i get home, i'm writing a song about josh.'

but then, of course, the doubt began to creep in.

'what if mom sees it? what will she think of it? will i have to cleverly mask my words?'

sexuality seems to be a constant fight of 'what if'. always having to hide your true colors is exhausting and it stings like an ice cube placed square on your forehead on a winter day. never being able to express the pink in your eyes for the boy next door, or not being able to react the way you want to when you drive past a pride parade. never being able to even make a joke, or tell your mother that you are damn proud of who you are. all you feel like is a sitting duck, waiting and waiting for the day that it would get better. it feels like it will never come. there's no feeling on this planet like hiding a pride flag disguised as thread wrapped around a safety pin, inked in sharpie, like your life depended on it. because you know, deep down, that if your little trinket were to be discovered, it would be the end of your world as you knew it. that reality comes around far too many times, and will forever haunt me.

regardless, tyler knew that he was ready to take that leap of faith. he knew that he would not be alone if the universe decided to collapse on him. he would have someone to go to immediately to get some love and acceptance, and to kiss so softly he'll forget all about it. perhaps he was ready for the reality. or maybe he was just so confident in his escape plan.

"you are so gorgeous, you know that, josh?"

he shook his head.

"i did not know that. thank you for the information, mister..."

"tyler. tyler joseph. i'm fairly local, round these parts."

"no way! the real tyler!"

they only ventured deeper and deeper into the woods as their voices drowned out the noise in their heads. smiles, laughter, love, whatever you want to envision, is there. oh how happy those boys were in that moment. tyler fit so well in josh's arms, like the exact cutout piece he had been missing for all this time. how flattering it was to be around someone who loved being around him. josh couldn't think of anything, or anyone, he adored more than tyler. of course, he still thought of his family and how he left them, from time to time, but his wandering heart had found its destiny, and it was content with the home it could not physically hide underneath. the weather chose its own path most the time, destroying whatever hope he had in securing a permanent position beneath a roof and in between four walls. even though it could not protect him from the cold, that boy was home to josh. besides, tyler was just one person, one wall, it seemed, or maybe even the roof, but wind blows horizontally on this planet. it didn't really matter though. josh felt protected and sane there in his arms. he was his own personal heaven on earth for the short time he knew he would embody his rented skin and bones. he was going to make it last.

"i love that josh guy."

the dyed haired boy blushed and bit his lip.

'i love you' seemed so strange and foreign to him. it had been a while since he had heard it truthfully, the most recent was the last time he ever talked to that girl after she broke her promise. hell, he was gay after all, not even he knew how or why he dated a girl, maybe it was a parent forced thing, or some sort of compulsory heterosexuality, which is such an awful thing, trying his best to make his family proud. whichever it was then, he didn't remember. oh well, he was just barely seventeen, and he'd already been cheated on and left behind so his so-called lover could sleep in someone else's bed. all he was focused on was tyler. and it was so sweet.

what shade of pink could possibly arise from this situation? could it become a delicate, powdery hue that covered the whole expanse of the land josh knew best, or would it become dusty, angsty, and rebellious? or could it somehow turn to a feisty, deep shade of burgundy, a sky filled with lipstick stained necks, red wine, torn fishnets, sex, and electric guitar riffs? either way, this was the color he knew he wanted to see around tyler's face.

"like, you're so strong and muscular, holy shit, you could crush me like a twig. why don't you?"

tyler was eyeing him up and down, not really for the first time, but it seemed like josh's figure shifted from perfection to near death experience so often that tyler had to keep staring at him. this made josh so bashful, but he loved it.

"because that's mean, ty."

"no it's not!"

he whined and scoffed at him, touching his arm and then resting his hand on his shoulder.

"i swore i was going to protect you, so i'm not ever gonna hurt you."

there was something so comforting about being promised an action that would be kept, it felt like his own personal heaven that he was inducted into with hardly any tap of his finger. he felt spoiled rotten, but he loved it.

"your voice is so calming, you know that? i could fall right asleep on you and forget everything."

josh pretended to slouch over onto the brunet's shoulder and, stopping right where they were to absorb the touch and the presence of each other in the only way they knew how. to stare off into the distance and savor the taste of the color yellow. it was lemony and sweet, tangy and rambunctious. it bounced over the trees and into the fading sky. the sun let out its final streak and lost its life, yet knowing full well it would resurrect at the same time it did yesterday. round swirls of yellow hues danced in tyler's eyes, putting on a show just for him to see, depicting his future as a happy fairy tale scene that would only turn up. and starting that very moment, lasting throughout the night and the next day, he believed it. he was at peace with himself without any context or reason. he was alive. maybe it really was going to get better. maybe this was the day he was waiting for. but one question still lingered under his tongue:

why did he wait this long to start living?


	16. sixteen

"tylerrrrr!"

josh whined and pulled at tyler's hoodie strings, promptly shutting the hood over his face and leaving his nose sticking out. the morning sun was peaking through the gaps in the tree in front of the window, flickering and seeming to brush any worry away.

it was so cliche how tyler's family was so scarce in the storyline. it was almost like he had edited them out to focus on the violent burgundy that formed around josh's body. other days it felt like they never left him alone, obsessive and helicopter, always checking in on him with no relent or second thought, barging in every ten minutes to smack whatever he was holding out of his hands so he wouldn't find a path on which to hurt himself.

but tyler opened his eyes now to see darkness and a substance covering his field of vision, but he saw, out of the bottom, josh's body on top of his.

"h-hey.. um.. josh?"

"what's up, bug?"

he was so silly. he loved him.

"why have you covered my eyes?"

tyler couldn't help but blush and laugh. it was so stupid, such a small thing to be happy about, but when you're in love with someone, every single tiny thing they do makes your heart stop.

"you wouldn't wake up! but you're up now! come cuddle with me on the couch, i have blankets! it's warm!"

josh's hyper voice suggested he was jacked on caffeine, the room smelled of his breath, coffee and mint, the sensation of his lips being kissed over and over again still lingered and so he folded them inwards and kept it. tyler sat up in bed, thinking there was just a blanket covering him, faced towards the mirror he knew was directly in front of his bed, that he so despised, and saw his person, head covered in yellow hoodie and only his nose sticking out. he doubted if he had ever laughed that hard.

after he caught his breath, and josh, he was pulled into his arms and the warmest place he'd ever imagined. wrapped tightly in a heavy blanket, josh kissed the side of his neck and showered him in love. tyler had just woken up and he was immediately thrown into a good mood. it was rare that he started off the day not wanting to die. but that day felt off, he had no idea why.

"t, i love you."

"i love you too. you make me laugh, you idiot!"

this only resulted in more kisses.

"dude, get up and look at what you got!"

tyler turned over to face the purple haired boy, brow furrowed with confusion and curiosity.

"what do you mean what i got?"

"look!"

josh pointed out to the middle of the living room floor, at a medium-sized box wrapped in newspaper, tied up with a piece of twine.

"why? why do you spoil me?"

"it's your birthday, why else would i? of course, i was gonna give you this anyway, might as well be today."

dark red flooded tyler's entire face. he had never been given something so suddenly. usually his family just gives him small things, because they couldn't quite afford to get him big gifts, and even when they splurged on special occasions when they'd gotten paid, they couldn't do much for themselves afterwards, which broke his heart and made him feel guilty. but that's what made josh's gift that much more emotional. he didn't even have any money to begin with.

"open it, babe!"

they stood up and sat at the same time, josh still holding tyler around the waist and kissing him.

"you don't even have a place, how did you-"

"love finds a way, baby."

tyler was always so slow opening any type of packaging. he didn't want to ruin all the hard work it took to close it, so he gently pulled apart the tape and untied the string until the cardboard box was revealed to him. he took the lid off and instantly started crying.

inside the box was a multitude of things, the first item he took out was a six-pack of red bull, (his favorite) then a pack of cinnamon gum (also his favorite), a grey beanie to match josh's that he had left behind at his parent's house, (he hoped to slip by and retrieve it someday) a plain black hoodie that looked way too big, (in a good way) and a tiny woven bracelet made of black and red braided string. tyler, without thinking, pulled his sleeve back to put on the bracelet, and admired it against his tattooed wrist. even his eyes smiled, he didn't seemed to care that josh could see every single fleshy scar on his skin.

"tyler,"

the boy turned to him, smiling like a little kid.

"i love everything! josh, you're so amazing!"

he pulled his shirt off to completely reveal the soft, squishy skin on his chest and belly, which held even more tattoos than josh had seen before. he stared at the deep black ink and the smooth, tan curves of tyler's torso. but before he could even touch his bare waist, he slid the new hoodie on over it and smiled so wide his eyes shut. josh never knew a plain black hoodie would make tyler so happy.

"you're such a cutie. kiss!"

he pushed him over and kissed his lips, holding his hip with one hand and gently pushing into his neck with the other, just enough to get the tiniest whine from tyler.

"i love you, i love you. thank you."

"i love you too..."

he trailed off. there was still a lingering thought on josh's mind, one that he couldn't shake. it was the image of the millions upon millions of stacked scars on tyler's wrists that engraved itself into his eyelids. he couldn't let him make more.

"t, bug... you stopped, right?"

the brunet's expression shifted entirely.

"what do you mean?"

he knew exactly what he meant, but he wasn't ready to explain their reasonings. or was he? hell, josh was his boyfriend, he thought it was about time, hopefully he didn't hate him after it...

"you stopped cutting, right? those are all scars, not fresh ones?"

he shrugged.

"i stopped there...."

josh practically shattered. it wasn't often that someone's words would break his heart, but this was one of those times where he felt he needed to let out his desperate tears.

"tyler, please, i'm begging you.. you don't deserve to be injured like that, you don't deserve to be butchered by your own knife every night, just, please don't hurt yourself tonight, i love you! i know it's hard, i've dealt with it too, but you gotta listen to me, baby, you wouldn't do that to me, would you? you wouldn't cut my arms with your blade, would you?"

he shook his head.

"that's exactly how it feels when i see your scars. you've been through some shit. it's not your fault. but i need you to recognize that you're worth more than the universe to me and everyone else in your life, and that you are so incredibly important. babe, bug, ty, i love you so much. nothing will ever get in the way of that. if you ever get any urge whatsoever, i don't care if it's six in the morning or ten o'clock at night, tell me. i will come to you. i found a way to get my phone to work where i'm at usually, so you can just call me. i'll stay with you. tyler, i love you so much."

the brunet just stared at his fingers in his lap. he had heard those words far too many times from people who didn't mean it. of course they were never there, but josh didn't seem like the type of boy to lie to him about something as touchy as his self-harm addiction.

"tyler, do you promise me you'll try to get clean?"

he looked up now to see josh right in front of him, head in his hands, with tears streaming down his inked arms. he stared into the face of the boy, sorrow seeming to take control of his entire being.

"if you stay, i will. don't leave like everyone else has."

"thank you, t, i promise i won't ever leave you behind. never. pinkie promise?"

the purple boy held up a shaking finger to the other, who promptly grabbed it with his own and kissed him.

"today will be day one. i never did it today because you were asleep on me, and you never left. you showed me love and you showed me that you were gonna stay. you showed me that there's nothing to be afraid of. i'm one day clean today."

"i'm so proud of you."

he hugged him now, enveloping him in his arms, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

"where else do you do it? you don't have to show me, or tell me anything, i just want to know so i can stick tape and stickers and bandaids and give you kisses so you don't hurt yourself."

he got a pit in the bottom of his stomach. he'd never shown anyone his fresh wounds. he hated to look at them himself, feeling so ashamed that he was obsessed with it.

"i'll show you. just promise me you won't get mad."

josh furrowed his brow in the most pitiful way.

"i wont get mad, bab, i promise! nothing you do to yourself would ever make me mad."

"okay..."

he unbuttoned his skin-tight black jeans, pulling them off and feeling so very bashful and exposed, but he knew deep down that he would not get hurt. there was still something there though, something that told him that everytime he had his pants off, it meant something awful was about to happen. it was a sort of habitual response that she had given him after so many experiences of bruising and scratching. but tyler knew that was a lie now. he couldn't help but get anxious.

he still sat there, legs outstretched, waiting for josh to hit him or yell at him or just leave the room. but he never did. he stayed there, looking at the marks, eyes numb and empathetic.

then he started to move towards him, and, fearing for the worst, tyler clenched his eyes shut, only for nothing to happen and for josh to just lay a warm hand on his knee.

"baby, i'm so sorry you felt you had to do this to yourself. i'm sorry no one was there to stop you. i'm so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry."

it was silent as they both looked at the same spots on his thighs. they both knew exactly why the blood had clotted and they were beginning to heal. they both looked up at each other and said it aloud.

"you saved my life."

in one swift motion, tyler grabbed josh's neck and kissed it, tangled in his strong hips' hold and his veiny hands that reached to the bottom of his hips and held tightly on. the second one of josh's hands slid underneath his jacket to touch his skin, tyler blurted out:

"i don't want sex!"

he was immediately put down, ears burning of embarrassment and panic.

"me neither."

they both shivered at the idea of it, gross... yet they felt childish and naive for never wanting to go any further, knowing full well that there was nothing wrong with preference.

"just, back to my point, stay clean, for me. i'll help you."

"okay."

the sun now began to quiver. evening started to show herself, meaning that any second now tyler's family would return from their obligations to crash his party.

"alright josh, it's five, help me hide my things!"

the boy stood up, pulled his jeans on, and started to fold the newspaper back up, tied the twine back around the stack of books on the table, put his mother's shoes back inside the plain box, shoved his drinks in the fridge, and kept his hoodie and bracelet on. funny how things could be repurposed, right?

"with half an hour to spare. nice, j. i hate to be the dick to say this, but i think you'd better leave. my mom'll suspect anything."

josh nodded. he leaned in and kissed him on gently the mouth, before walking out the door into the sunset, disappearing through the garden gate, which lead to the park. tyler always took that route with his little siblings and cousins. they always thought it was a magical shortcut. he believed it was too. crazy how he'd forgotten about it until just now, but how had josh known?

anyway, the garage door opened and tyler gracefully slipped away behind his bedroom door, hiding his hoodie and bracelet in a drawstring bag under his bed. he awaited the pitter patter of the children's shoes as they tell each other nonsense stories passing his room, and the final, slow, relaxed steps of his mother as she approached the door to open it, to shower tyler in praise and love. she seemed to always be there, even when she really wasn't.

today was alright, tyler thought. i could handle another one. 


	17. seventeen

the sun had sunken into the sheets of tyler's bed. the clouds' sugar had melted away into pink and gold sludge, glistening and reassuring as it sat there on the floor. the darkness only grew up, morphing into a huge adult fear that reigned tyler's mind. he knew that there were countless ways he could escape it, but every way seemed to be too much to handle for his exhausted body. there it was: the sorcerer, the torturer, the antagonist - the one who had held him hostage, tying his arms and legs to a post in the middle of the sea. but he kept the forever looming inverted shadow tucked away behind his eyelids: the burning, tingling feeling in his entire body that told him not to visit his old friend today. the image of the way josh's face looked when he promised him he wouldn't, the way that the planets hurled through space with the galaxy's hardest struggles sitting flat on top with no sense of disturbance or hiccup, the way that the stars shot across the night skies and disappeared, there were so many tiny things that tyler hadn't realized he'd fallen in love with. he couldn't see himself letting those go. he couldn't see himself as the type of guy who would let a guy like josh down. so he rolled over and shut his eyes. though he could still feel its eyes in the softness of his back, there was a sense of peace in knowing that it was behind him now, no longer making eye contact or pulling him by the neck by a leash made of steel blades. he never picked it up again, and slept for five and three quarters of an hour till he arrived drowsy and utterly exhausted a little after midnight, wide awake and restless. sleep was impossible most nights, this was his new personal record. from sunset to midnight was pretty good in tyler's books.

he couldn't help but let his mind drift from himself and his thoughts to josh and his. it seemed to be routine at this point.

i wonder what josh is thinkin' about tonight, he whispered to himself, shutting his eyes and letting the pink set in.

his question was indirectly answered.

it was a vice versa situation. the brunet was picturing and admiring every piece of josh and the other was doing so for tyler.

the utter perfection in tyler's face, josh thought, always blew him away. the tenderness in his eyes contrasted the harsh, serration of his voice as it cracked when he was on the brink of tears. his face was so undeniable, features gently cascading off the tip of his nose that turned up so slightly. tyler was breathing softness in human form, delicate gold beams and pink glitter gliding off his eyelashes and coating his cheeks, all the while his intimidating navy and grey aura pulsed and throbbed off of his body, throwing josh for a whirl of double vision that made him dizzy for tyler. he was so in love with him it was crazy...

the way he talked with his hands when he talked about something emotional, the way he always looked him in the eye and watched for his anxious patterns to swoop in and help out. the way tyler always broke eye contact when he talked about his struggles, staring at the ground, talking slowly, and breathing deepily to monitor his own state of living.

the way he always touched josh's back and spoke quietly to usher him out when he had a panic attack, the way he kissed him smoothly on the neck while josh clutched his shirt in tears, everything about how this boy operated was intoxicating. he was is disbelief once again that tyler had picked him out of all people to fall in love with.

he turned now to the sky. it appeared to be in flames. the city lights illuminated and grasped the dull clouds and the holes in them, contaminating the spirits of the rapidly approaching holidays with an orange tint.

the ohio air was cold and it stole his breath. but josh didn't care. all he was concerned about was what he was gonna buy tyler for christmas. he knew damn well that he was stone cold broke after his birthday gift, but he was determined to spoil this boy rotten.

it sucked having to sit alone at the park again. he wasn't really alone though, surrounded by about ten older people, whose pupils were the size of the moon. they seemed and smelled about as high as it too. they never seemed to notice him either.

joshua knew he had to do something about the way he felt. he knew that sitting on that infamous bench under the ash tree wasn't gonna get him anywhere near his goal. he wasn't getting any closer to tyler or his own pride in himself. his confidence wasn't coming any easier while he just let his body slump and slide off the bench into a pool of self loathing. the back of his throat stung with irritation, annoyed and overloaded with the stimuli that wasn't really there, rather the constant screaming in his head telling him to get up off his ass and go. but he couldn't move. he was bolted to a ball and chain. it was agonizing to just sit there and not be able to change the course of his life. there, in the night, stars gliding so softly past, he began to cry and kick at the air, begging to be let go from the grips of his mind. josh's chest ached as he quickly escalated, arms above his head grabbing at the grass beneath his fingers. his legs felt as if they were being viciously pricked by needles over and over again, which only made his condition worse.

josh couldn't tell how much time had passed since he had decided to set out, his internal clock was smudged about and distorted. before he could beat himself up about how many hours he'd wasted, the sun peaked up from behind the trees and his curse was lifted. it felt so liberating to have lived through that night, but all it really meant to him was that he would have to face another day.

but maybe that was also a good thing. maybe it did mean the world to him that, now, since tyler's family was away at work and school, and other things, and he could begin to make his way to him. that was special. that was an exciting feeling. he was always filled with euphoria when he knew he was about to see him. every single day he grew more desperate and anxious because the days kept getting colder. the miserable ohio december never made his seasonal symptoms any better, but seemed to have given them a reason to persist on, and one so he could fall asleep on tyler's chest.

so he stood up with shaking limbs, facing the gently snowing sky, and took his first few steps.

it wasn't hard, he noticed, he could do this. if there was one thing he loved the most in this world, it was walking through the dampened grass barefooted and shivering, which only motivated him more to reach his destination. his stained shorts and nearly destroyed t-shirt were the only things he'd taken with him when his mother forced him from the only place he'd ever known, and the only things on his back besides his bag. the contents jostled about as he searched for a comfortable angle at which to distribute them, sharp corner of the picture frame stabbing into his shoulder. he walked faster now, wind picking up, nearly sprinting past the empty space in the sidewalk where no one dared to roam in the brutal inclement.

eventually things became more familiar. the harsh, piercing towers that made him feel so insignificant crumbled to the ground and were replaced by the remains of dormant trees, brown, withered grass, and the sleet-sludge covered sidewalks that eventually cloaked themselves in snow as he wandered down them. and then there he was, tyler's house. his mind began to flicker back and forth on subjects that always haunted him before he knocked on the door. there wasnt any reason to be afraid of what was behind it, it was a weekday, nine in the morning, and the house was dead silent. the seventeenth of december felt like a special day for some reason...but josh couldn't pick up exactly why.

"ty..."

he spoke into the crack in the door.

"it's josh... um... are you there? i know it's early, but... hey."

heavy, slow, soft footsteps emerged from the left side of the house, a pair of fingers pulled down a blind and josh could see an eye behind them. he immediately knew to whom it belonged to. the door opened and he was embraced by a warm, smiling, giggling tyler joseph who pulled him inside and pushed him onto his back on the sofa, where he was instantly swaddled in blankets and tyler's arms.

"hi!"

he was so bubbly, he thought, he'd never seen tyler so happy. it was contagious. it made him happy too.

"i love you, tyler."

the brunet's cheeks turned a deep, luscious shade of cherry.

"love you more!"

he ran his left hand through tyler's muddy hair, kissing his neck, and holding on to the belt loop of his jeans with the other hand.

"you're so cold, baby, do you really not have a coat?"

josh shook his head.

"i don't need one. you're so hot, you're like, sweaty."

"i knew you'd be comin'!"

i guess t had the same weird feeling, josh thought.

"oh come on! you can give better kisses than that!"

that was true. he could. so he did. and it was better.

in the middle of a kiss, tyler let go, sat up, and took his hoodie off, before pulling josh up with him and putting the article on over his head. he was ignited like a fire with warmth and safety that he had never experienced before. any piece of tyler's clothing he had ever put on was just hanging in his closet, pine and honey scent still lingering where he'd spray his cologne and even his sister's perfume. he loved smelling like a flower.

tyler then pushed him back down with his finger on his lips, moving his waist up his body and meeting josh with a kiss on the mouth.

josh couldn't help but drift aloft into his mind where his heart fluttered with joy. it was a place he hadn't frequented as much as he wanted to. this was his favorite place. the only thing that lived in that lofty space was tyler. his joy. he had no plans of ever leaving and that comforted him immensely.

after a bit of pondering on the subject of his sudden increase in pink, he told tyler:

"hey, buggie, can i vent about something.. to you?"

tyler's head cocked to the side and his eyes went to half mast.

"of course, j, go ahead... anything. i'm always here for you, you know that, right?"

he nodded.

"good, go on."

josh took a deep breath and began.

"you saved my life. i tell you that every damn time i see you but the only reason i do is because it's true. i love you. i cant bear to think about a world you're not in love with me. i can't even comprehend why a boy like you chose me to love out of all of the world, but damn it, do i feel lucky to have you here. you make me feel so amazing, warm, included, happy, safe, understood, you make me feel- not weird anymore. you make me feel like springtime after surviving the winter, you make me feel like the sunrise after a long night, you make me feel so incredible. i feel accepted, supported, at home when i'm with you. your pretty eyes and your cutesy little fingers, i love your smile and your hair and your body, your lips, your waist, and your shoulders. everything about you, i love it. i cant just name a few. you say all those awful things about yourself because you don't know what all youre capable of. you make my world go round. tyler, you think you have all these flaws and insecurities and imperfections, but in my eyes, theyre just chapters in the book that make you into the best boy in the world. you already know i'm gonna spoil you like a brat this christmas, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. tyler, you're so perfect and you have no idea. you have no clue how much i love you. you have no clue how much you mean to me. i love you, tyler joseph. that and so much more."

the boy was crying into josh's chest now. he couldn't understand. he was at a loss for words, dumbfounded and shocked that someone would rant about him to his face and mean it in the kindest way. there was no wrapping his mind around that concept if josh was already wrapped around his heart.


	18. eighteen

"josh, what do you want for christmas?"

the boy shook his newly dyed head, smiling up at tyler.

"i don't care. remember, i don't even have a house, i can't carry anything with me that doesn't sit in my bag. you don't need to get me anything-"

"but i will!"

he loved how stubborn tyler was. he wouldn't stop at anything to get the most out of anything, always begging to bring someone something so he wouldn't have to focus on himself for too long.

"and same goes for you, j, i don't know how you could afford to get me even a pack of cinnamon gum right now. don't even think about getting me even the tiniest thing. i don't deserve it."

"i-"

"and before you even think to argue with me using the premise that, oh, you love me so much. yeah, i love you too, you're my entire world, but i can't stand the idea that you would go out of your way and broke just to make me feel good about myself."

josh just stared at the floor. an empty, pink-fingerprint-covered box still layed on its side on the tile, neon painted towel hung on the side of the bathtub. he felt immensely guilty. guilty that he made tyler feel that way. but was it really a bad thing? he didn't want his boyfriend to feel like he didn't deserve even the smallest of gifts when he actually deserved the entire universe and more.

i'll show him, josh thought, i'll show him he fuckin' deserves it.

so he pushed the door shut behind himself and pulled his nearly dead phone out of his pocket, plugging it into the charger that was always sitting on the bathroom counter.

he started to read website after website of what to buy your soulmate, what to get for a boy, sat on the vanity and kicking the cabinets with the backs of his bare heels.

then he got his idea. it sounded so immature, so stupid, so naive, but it was the best idea ever.

tyler rapped on the door a spare few times before he abandoned the cause and picked up a soda can from the box in the fridge. it was the last can, but he still left the package in its place, for some reason he couldn't grasp at. his mind just didn't pick up why he walked away without tossing it into the bin.

josh's eyes hung low as he drifted off to sleep, shutting his phone off and hopping to the soft mat on the floor, where he rolled into a ball and unlocked the bathroom door.

"ty.."

the boy appeared and knelt down in front of josh, stroking his curly, matted hair from his brow and kissing his temple.

"i love you. just being with you on christmas would be the best gift ever. i know what you were doing in here, when you shut me out. i want you to delete that tab. don't buy whatever you were thinking of. just show up on christmas eve night and kiss me. that's all i want. you."

"all i want for christmaaassss, iis youuu..."

josh mumbled the tune, because he was so close to tyler's face, prompting a gentle push on his shoulder.

"dumbass. i hate that song."

"i love it. you're such an idiot, shut up."

"make me!"

and at that, josh pulled tyler down to his level, on his back, adjusting his waist by the belt loops in his jeans to fit perfectly between his thighs, clutching his face with two strong hands. he kissed him now, first on the mouth before moving to his favorite spot between his collarbones, continuing until he started to whimper and collapsed into josh's chest.

usually, he thought, he would laugh or speak, or get up and kiss him again, maybe he would even start to cry, but this time tyler didn't budge. he didn't respond to the taps of josh's fingers on his back or the ruffling of his hair, just, motionless.

"tyler?"

no reply.

josh started to worry, he knew it wasn't that big of a deal, he was tired himself, maybe he just fell asleep, he was still breathing, anyway.

"bug?"

nothing.

"can i touch your neck? i need to check your pulse. i don't know why, i just feel like i need to."

still no words. just shallow, short breaths.

with a slight of hesitation he slid his fingers under the brunet's face and located the soft, tender skin under his chin near the corners of his jaw and lingered there.

it was such a faint murmur of movement. it was slow, yet steady, like josh wasn't pressing hard enough into his throat, but he knew he was.

"oh god..."

josh suddenly realized how frail tyler looked. his face was still soft and pudgy, but his joints were sharp and his ribs stuck into his own. he was pale, cold, thin, evoking the most raw terror from josh.

he could feel his body begin to escalate. his chest seized and tightened like a knot that had been pulled around a finger, cutting off the bloodflow and turning it purple. he was unable to breathe, the lump in his throat and the tears that never stopped blocked his nasal passage, which he choked on. he slid the motionless body off of his, immediately feeling the cold that shot from his arms to his legs. he pulled himself to his feet, grabbed his phone, and shoved it back into his pocket.

"tyler! wake up!"

still no movement.

josh picked him up, bridal style, and carried him to his bed, where he called an ambulance.

"911, what's your emergency?"

the familiar tone echoed loud in his ringing ears.

"my-m-my boyfriend isn't responding to me... he- his pulse is weak... oh my god, pl-please, help him!"

"your boyfriend is unresponsive?"

"yes! i-i think he's having a heart attack, i-i... he's still breathing, help.. please."

"has his pulse completely stopped?"

josh placed a shaky hand in the same spot as before.

"n-no, his heart's still beating, it's so slow... please hurry... what's wrong with tyler?"

"okay, okay, calm down, sir, where are you located?"

"i-i don't know, u-um... scottsdale and clancy, first on-on the row, i think. i think it's t-twenty one, or something... help.."

"twenty one scottsdale and clancy?"

"y-yes.. oh my god his fingers are fucking blue, someone save him!"

"an ambulance is on the way sir, how long has he been unconscious?"

"not e-ven a minute- please help, i c-can't lose him!"

"what caused him to black out?"

"i-i don't kn-know, i was just kissing him and he just collapsed... i love him so much, please don't let me lose him!"

"the station is just around the corner from your location, sir, they should be there in less than three minutes, just stay on the phone and start cpr."

"but i d-don't know cpr! i can't breathe, i'm ha-having a panic attack, please tell me how to help tyler!"

tyler's eyelashed fluttered, he swore, his fingers moved and hit the wall beside him. he made a noise, almost resembling the word 'no.'

before the operator could speak again he practically yelled into the receiver.

"he m-moved, i think he said something, he tried to o-open his eyes! please hurry- i-i hear sirens... oh my god.. please.."

"sir, the paramedics are at your house, let them in."

josh could hear the deafening sirens, the lights in the windows, he could even see the paramedics at the door, but he couldn't move away from tyler. he couldn't stand. he could hardly breathe.

"i can't le-leave him! i can't move, i can't b-breathe, just break down the goddamn d-door and j-just come get my tyler."

before he knew it, sobbing over tyler's chest, still holding his fingers under his jaw to feel his steady, slow, weakened pulse, the door was pried open and three women in heavy boots came bounding in. one held a defibrillation kit, one had an oxygen mask and tank, and the other held a stretcher in one arm.

josh was pushed to the back wall, tyler obstructed from his view as he groaned and swung his numb arms at the people surrounding him. he was too weak to stand, but he could scoot over to the foot of the bed so he could prop himself up.

there he saw tyler's eyes wide open, bloodshot and unaware. he looked absent. he looked otherworldly. but, at the same time, he looked alive. he looked fine. he looked calm, almost.

"tyler... baby, i'm so sorry."

his face narrated the whole story. there were people touching him, people all around, and the fear in his eyes told josh that he had no idea why. 


	19. nineteen

he woke up in a hospital gown, propped uncomfortably on his back with an aching needle in his arm, connected to a saline drip. his mouth was dry and his eyes stung, chest sore, as if it had been shocked multiple times, and his entire body was stiff and fatigued.

tyler had no idea why he was where he was, but there was obviously a slight indication that something had happened last night.

the first person he saw was his mother bounding in, followed by his siblings and around ten doctors.

"heh-..."

he couldn't even form a word. his throat was so parched and it burned like molten flame as his tongue tried to make sense of his english.

she wrapped her arms so tightly around him, kissing his face and sobbing into his neck. she said things, things that tyler couldn't understand. she backed away, staring into his empty, lifeless eyes with an almost smile. she was grateful, he picked that out, but he couldn't decipher why.

"tyler, son, i'm so glad you're alright!"

she kissed his cheek one last time before backing away for his siblings to touch his shoulder and cry at him.

he had never been so confused in his life. he felt insane. he felt crazy. he felt stupid, even. why couldn't he remember how he got there?

a doctor placed a cold, firm hand on his shoulder and spoke to him.

"mr. joseph, do you remember anything before or after the event?"

he shook his head. what event?

"does your heart feel fluttery?"

she was writing something down.

he shook his head. it was slow, if anything, he felt normal, just extremely tired.

"what do you remember from last night?"

he stared at his feet. he needed to talk. he couldn't. the words were aching in his mouth, begging to be released, it wracked his brain and it hurt so bad to experience the feeling of not being able to talk.

"sir?"

he shook his head.

'my boyfriend...' he thought, but didn't say aloud. 'where is he? did he leave me? did he call the ambulance for me? does he know what happened? where's josh?'

but the words never came.

"can you talk at all?"

the doctor practically yelled at him, disappointment lingering in the air after her words flowed easily out into tyler's ears.

he shook his head again. tyler felt so defeated in that moment. he felt so alone, so disgusting, so stupid. why? was the only question he could ask himself. why was this happening? why was he so alone? why didn't it just kill him?

"drink your water, eat this, and take two of these, then wait fifteen minutes to press that little red button and i'll come look at your throat."

tyler's lips tingled with a sensation he could only describe as fire. he drank most of his water in one throw, gulping down huge mouthfuls as it dribbled down his chin. he ate the stale corn muffin on the plastic plate in one bite, nearly tearing up at the feeling of eating again. twenty halved grapes, and a couple strawberries later, he popped the two orange pills into his mouth and swallowed them with the rest of his water. tyler immediately collapsed back onto the pile of pillows behind him, shutting his eyes and trying desperately to remember.

tiny pieces started to come back to him.

josh was there....

we were in the living room - no, no the bathroom!

it was grey, everywhere...

and my fingers were cold...

he was touching me, cradling my hips in his...

kissing me, i think...

oh! i can't remember when i passed out! if at all...

i was really thirsty and i felt so anxious...

after quite some time, tyler gave up on the cause. he figured that if he couldn't remember now, he wasn't going to find the recollection by beating himself up.

then, out of the pale white light, a tall figure emerged. he had bright, neon pink hair, wearing tyler's black baseball cap that barely contained his curls. he wore tyler's black jeans with holes in the knees and tyler's black grouplove hoodie. he had black guages in his ears, a silver ring in his nostril, and a tiny hole right in the center beneath his bottom lip. weird how tyler could see such details from so far away. his heightened sense of awareness now surprised him. the more he reminded himself of his state of - aliveness - the more he recognized his surroundings and the way they behaved.

"tyler! oh my baby boy! you're okay!"

tyler's brown eyes were met with josh's hazel ones and he collided with his rose-colored lips.

"i love you so much. i couldn't sleep last night knowing that you were comatose, but not knowing if you were gonna make it. i had to suffer through all of last night alone because no one would take me in, and i couldn't be here with you till you woke up."

"love... you."

he finally muttered more than a syllable. it didn't hurt as bad as before.

"i love you too."

he kissed him again. it took a few tears dripped onto his face before tyler realized he was crying.

"don't..."

josh pulled away and stroked the side of tyler's face with his fingers.

"i love you too."

it was a faint whisper. so quiet that he could barely hear it but he knew what his lips formed. at the kick of the last sound, that lingering 'o', his mouth formed a heart, and it took every last ounce of strength in tyler to lean up and kiss it.

exhausted.

josh crawled up next to him and snatched his lips again, long and softly, holding his hands as delicately as he could.

that went on for a couple minutes.

a knock at the door. josh dropped instantly to the floor, scrambling to the nearest chair to sit in so he could once again put up his inconspicuous facade.

"tyler, my name is doctor riley, and i'm here to read you your final results, which are, you know, a summary of what happened to you, and what we did to treat you."

he nodded. it hadn't even been fifteen minutes after he'd taken those pills, and the doctor who had told him to press the button was already standing in front of him with a flashlight and a popsicle stick in her pocket. she also held a red clipboard and a pink pen with a matching pompom at the end of it that swayed as her pen scratched the paper.

"how are you feeling now? can you talk yet? drink some more water first."

a nurse in light pink scrubs with curly black hair appeared out of nowhere and poured more water into his flimsy foam cup.

again, he drank it all in one throw.

"i'm fine."

she smiled and wrote something down on the second page of her stack of paper on her clipboard.

"do you want someone in here with you when i tell you your results?"

his stomach sank. glancing over at josh, he could tell he was calm. it was nothing.

he still nodded, though.

"m-mom."

the doctor with the clipboard turned over to the nurse in pink to go and fetch his family.

this is when tyler expected josh to up and leave. but he didn't. he stayed. he even picked up his folding chair and put it back down at the foot of the bed.

"i-is it bad?"

he whispered, looking up at the doctor with fearful, feeble eyes.

she didn't see him.

his family arrived, his mother hugged and kissed him again, before everyone else sat down around him on the mattress, blocking his view of josh.

the doctor tipped her pen at mrs. joseph and started to talk in loud, clear speak. her words came so naturally.

"mr. tyler joseph, at seventeen you've been through a lot-"

he immediately zoned out. his eyes were drawn to his arms. they were bare. the sleeves of his hospital frock stopped at his elbow. and there they were, every single cut, scar, blister, scab, pick, and mark was more visible than the blue in the sky. he shut his eyes. but, of course, he learned that if no one said anything, they didn't exist.

"tyler? are you okay? did you hear her?"

he shook his head.

"sorry, i z-zoned-"

before he could even explain himself, he was interrupted.

"that's okay! i'll say it again. tyler, you had an extremely rare episode of prolonged absence. what that means is that the neurons in your brain didn't fire right. you were so dehydrated and anemic and your blood sugar was so low that you went into shock. that's what caused the absence seizure. we got you a saline drip, for your dehydration, you used to have an iron iv to get your levels up, and we gave you a few doses with carbs and sugars to help raise your blood sugar. you should be able to go home within the next forty eight hours. we'll just need to monitor your condition every two hours, very, very closely to make sure you don't dip again. we'll put in another iv or two just to be safe. we also prescribed you an anti-seizure medication you'll take every night before you go to bed for the next thirty days. does that make sense?"

it wasn't nearly as bad as he thought.

he nodded.

"i'm gonna be okay?"

the doctor lifted her finger.

"that's only the first thing. there's still more, tyler."

his brow furrowed. what more could be wrong with him?

"you also had a brief episode of ictal asystole, your heart stopped for a few seconds before we could get the drips in because you had another seizure. we had to shock your heart to get it back into its rhythm, but, what made this so abnormal is that you tested negative for epilepsy. we tested you five times, and nothing came up that stood out. your pulse is normal, your blood pressure is normal, your oxygen count is normal. there's nothing wrong with you, but we're suspecting the malnutrition and dehydration shock ravaged your body and got to your brain."

his mother was crying. tyler had a hand on his chest, feeling it rise and fall with every beat of his aching heart.

"do you think his history of mental disorder could have anything to do with it? i mean, he's had some pretty severe emotional trauma within the past five years, could that tie in?"

he'd never heard his mother's voice so shaky. it sounded like she thought he was going to die.

"stress and trauma are main causes of seizures like his and other people who aren't diagnosed with epilepsy. but that guy, over there, said he was in a very happy, peaceful state when the attack occured."

the doctor turned to josh, whose cheeks immediately turned dark red.

"he was so cold, he shivered, his shoulders shook as he talked. he tried to drink a soda, i saw him, but he never carried it back to his room..."

tyler shook his head.

"i wasnt happy. i was in a trance, josh. i was floating through that day and just felt like a ghost. i felt morphed. i felt like someone else. that's why i looked so peaceful. because i wasn't really there. i could hear her in the back of my head the entire time, so incredibly loud, telling me over and over again to just-"

he cut himself off, shutting his eyes, taking a deep breath. he instantly began to sob.

and out of his violent shrieks and tears, he looked back up at the doctor, who kept writing, and said:

"i'm gonna die, aren't i?" 


	20. twenty

josh held him under his arms, slowly walking him to his bedroom where he winced as he gently layed him on the bed.

"thanks.. josh."

his eyes fluttered and the bags underneath them were dark and purple. he seemed to fall asleep immediately.

josh would have leaned in and kissed him, but his mother still lingered in the doorway, so he just looked down at him with a glittery look on his face. words could not comprehend how much he adored him. with every ounce of love in his heart he turned and walked away, tipping his head at mrs. joseph who took his spot and knelt next to the boy's bed.

she spoke to him, most likely praying over him, but josh didn't get to listen because he had already left the room. he seemed to float down the hallway, walls pushing out away from him as if they were cowering in fear. it felt so reassuring, so calm - that tyler was okay. josh had made sure he'd eaten, had his water, taken his medicine, and everything else he needed before he promptly fell asleep in the comfort of his bed and his mother's arms. he didn't mind how mrs. joseph seemed to tilt her head and furrow her brow in confusion whenever he placed a hand on tyler's hip. he didn't mind that she might think he was weird, but, he knew it would have to come up eventually. all the while, it felt contradictory. he felt so peaceful, yet there was something that terrified josh. something that lingered there in the distance of his brain. the concept portrayed that his first nightmare might reoccur in deja vu if he possibly got kicked out of the home that was seeing tyler. no one could know. no one could know what was going on behind the scenes. no one could ever catch him. he felt like running from it, like screaming and kicking and crying, he felt like hitting something, like punching something till his knuckles bled a purple fuse of sparks and relief. but there was no home for violence here. there was no form here. so josh followed the rhythm of his heart, every pulse of his veins met with his foot on the ground and kept getting faster until josh was flying like a jet plane across the icy ground. he didn't have access to the gym, or any of his friends that had a punching bag or anything of the sort, so he squeezed his aching, throbbing, shaking body through the slightly ajar, ice-locked door of the school gymnasium. there stood proudly those padded walls everyone remembered from grade school, ones that you'd run into when you did sprints or played dodgeball. the room trembled with neglect, yet it smelled so intensely of sweat that it made josh gag and tear up at the awful stench.

he seemed to lose it. he just started to hit things, tossing his body against the blue foam padding and throwing punches that left dents in the fabric and took the top layer of skin from his bare knuckles. but josh didn't notice the stinging, agonizing pain in his hands, he just kept going and going, grunting and screaming at the walls as if they would relent and let him win. he continued until his nose was bitten with the leaking cold, yet simultaneously soaked with sweat, and his knees had buckled from exhaustion. his arms were covered in the blood that caked his knuckles and his eyes had never shown such a level of relief, blue pads turned purple with the aggressive crimson that dripped from josh's nose. he couldn't tell how much time had passed. all he knew was that it was dark everywhere, inside and out, and the building echoed his every breath. it was so eerie with no one in it...

after about an hour of sitting on the floor and recovering, alone with his thoughts that never seemed to falter, he stood up and wiped the blood from the place and ran his hands under the heat in the bathroom sink. josh watched as the pool of water waiting for the drain turned red, like the paint he used to use for projects at school. he tried to ignore how much it reminded him of easier times, when he awoke in his own bed and hugged his mother before he ate his breakfast. he couldn't help but reminisce on how happy he used to be. he couldn't help but think about how he hadn't been back to this school since he got kicked out. there was probably someone official standing at his parents' door right now wondering why he wasn't there.

but josh shook that off. he didn't like to think about that.

he liked to think about tyler.

he was all that was on josh's mind.

josh couldn't stop worrying about him, though. what if there was something else wrong? what if the meds didn't work? what would have happened if josh wasn't there when tyler had his seizure? was there anything more he could've done to help him and his family? were they suspicious of him? could he have handled it differently instead of telling the 911 operator, all the doctors, and nurses that tyler was his boyfriend? what if tyler's parents didn't like him? what would he do and who would he possibly run to if they suddenly decided to bar him from tyler? what if tyler had another seizure and josh wasn't there?

there were so many things josh couldn't shake. unbearable thoughts that he couldn't stomach, and realities far too harsh to ever become a possibility. but it never went so far as to damage a single shard of josh's stubbornness and persistence to consider any of it. he just kept walking until he was met with the familiar tree in the park again. it had lost all its leaves, arms weak and cold and frozen in the winter null. josh felt defeated now. he knew he wouldn't be able to get tyler a christmas gift. just looking at the poor tree and its sagging, pitiful, weighed down branches made him start to cry. everything felt wrong in his life. even after punching out all his frustration, josh stil felt like he'd failed. he failed his family, his friends, his career, his college life, his future, everything. he had lost all hope. he just wanted to go back to tyler and kiss him for four hours. but he couldn't. he just couldn't. he knew he could just ask mrs. joseph and she would understand that he just wanted to see him, but something held him back. josh had no idea what it was.

he wasn't good enough - this kept repeating over and over again - he wasn't good enough. tyler didn't want him. tyler didn't need him. he was fine on his own. josh wasn't good enough.

he wanted, deep down, to know that it was a lie but it never surfaced. the truth never flickered in the night sky's distance, it never looked like a star on the horizon. josh couldn't see the other side. he couldn't convince himself that this would ever end. he could not, for the life of him, tell if this doubt, fear and crippling insecurity would ever end.

"don't forget about me, even when i doubt you, i'm no good without you."


	21. twenty one

josh stared at his bare torso in the bathroom mirror. the freckles that covered him, speckled copper dust and dirt that tyler always said reminded him of the forest. the way his collarbones sunk beneath his muscles, and how his neck held his head up no matter what went through his ears. his eyes seemed to tremble at the sight of themselves, deep hazel brown and dingy golden, whites flecked with red, bloodshot, arms. he could see the black and silver blue ribbons dancing in the corners of them. he could feel the color in his chest, begging to be recognized and confirmed as the aura that the emotion reflected. he tucked it away and kept it. josh's heavy set arms held his entire weight against the vanity, letting his legs cave out and his elbows invert before he finally sat himself on top of the counter.

josh felt so silly. so weird. so immature, sitting there while not being able to even stand. he felt so weak and childish, for a reason he couldn't immediately distinguish. why couldn't he just be normal? why couldn't he stand and watch himself like everyone he knew? the room felt to be pushing in, closing josh in tighter and tighter every waking second, crushing his strong yet terrified body into smithereens, ceiling inching closer and closer, looming behind his head and burning the back of his neck. this was true peril. this was conflict. every bit of josh wanted to fight back, to win, to survive, yet the creeping force surrounding him dragged him down to the floor and screamed in his ear. there was no winner, nor was there a loser. it was a tie between the safe and the deadly, breaking down his last sliver of hope and strength. so what happened to his certainty? would he one day die of uncertainty? there was nothing joshua could really do beside be scared of it, scared was the only reaction he could omit that served his inner processes justice. fear would be the death of him. why did he fear every single thing? he was afraid of losing even more than he had already, afraid of falling, afraid of losing tyler, afraid of God, hell, he even feared himself. this only escalated, most the time, for him. nothing positive seemed to ever come of anything, he thought, until his mind just collapsed, turning his interior world upside down to sanitize and revert back to his childhood ways, the way things used to be before the world stopped turning round. josh couldn't stop turning, though. thought after agonizing thought that only made his anxious pattern more vibrant in the negative space. it was just gonna get worse, josh thought, whatever it was inside of him hated any ounce of sovereignty or ease, whatever it was inside of him hated the step through that would cease dissipation, craving the moment that it could sinch its fists around josh's throat and forget about it.

_"scared of my own image..._

_scared of my own immaturity..._

_scared of my own ceiling..._

_scared i'll die of uncertainty..._

_fear might be the death of me..._

_fear leads to anxiety..._

_don't know what's inside of me..."_

josh jumped off the counter, in a daze still, feet landing firmly on the cold tile floor just before the bathtub. it pained him to move to adjust the knobs to his preferred temperature, taking much longer than he realized as his mind wandered back to the mirror and the way his cowardly fingers shook as they touched his own face. the way he looked, the way he mouthed the words as he typed them into his phone, the way he shivered in the winter sun that lit up the dust that never left the windowsill of tyler's bathroom. josh stepped over his pile of snow-covered clothes, before he started the shower of boiling, steaming water that he would stay in till it returned to the icy cold he had just left.

he sat at the bottom of the tub, arms wrapped around his knees, eyes clenched shut. this was where he could think without the possibility of any harm. his soundscape was the constant clicking of the window glass against the cascades of snow and ice that pummeled the house. he wished he was still there. he wished he could've just given in and stayed laying on the side of the pavement where his fingers had begun to turn purple. he wished the winter would've buried him there, solitary and respectable, but people seem to notice quite easily when you lay down in the snow in front of their house.

he hadn't even seen tyler yet, he thought, and he was taking a shower in his bathroom. he could hear his raspy, late night voice, sleepy and dragged, yet full of adrenaline and single-dose excitement. he knew the tone tyler spoke in when he knew josh was there, it wasn't much different from his neutral sound, but it was just special enough for him to pick out.

he realized it again. not for the first time, but again.

tyler loved him. he really did. he loved him enough that he would stay up and sit up on the headboard of his bed, propped by pillows and smothered by blankets, waiting for him to get out of the bathroom and secretly kiss his cheek as he pulled away from a hug goodnight. he loved him enough that he would sleep on the couch with his mother right by his side, out in the living room he's had so many polar connotations with, just so josh could sleep in tyler's bed that smelled like him. tyler loved him. he really did.

and that was something josh wanted to live for. it didn't matter if one day it all suddenly shattered and fell away, the knot existed and it would always connect them with an invisible line. yet, at the same time, josh couldn't bear to even think for a second what life would be like without tyler. he didn't want to be alone again, even though the past couple days rattled his core, he knew that the future looked bright. the past couple days taught him the fragility of life, and how one single misfire can shut everything down. he valued time more, now.

josh practically dragged himself out of the shower, after turning the freezing water off, shivering and purple fingertips grasping at the warm towel and wrapping himself in it as he sat on the side of the tub.

staring out the tiny window now, all he could see was sky. white, dark, shadowy, contrasting, menacing sky. it mocked him and his inability to function, it mocked his fear. but all he knew that was for certain, was that soon he would put on tyler's clothes and sleep in tyler's bed. after 45 agonizing minutes of sitting there, unable to move to dry himself off, he finally pulled the black grouplove hoodie and sweats on over his shaking limbs. tyler's scent again. all over.

it took every ounce of strength in josh's body not to wander down the hall to the living room sofa and touch the pale skin on tyler's neck, to lay on top of him and kiss every inch of his rosey face, to hold his hands in his own and whisper pink in his ear. but he resisted. he stepped through the threshold of tyler's open bedroom door, and curled up under the heavy duvet. he was instantly enveloped in his scent, warmth of his body still lingering on the sheets and the fluffy down pillow. tears immediately welled in josh's eyes, overwhelmed by the sanctity of the place. he felt so safe, so special, so indescribable, to be wrapped so tightly up in tyler's being, without touching him at all. this was true peace, he thought. and with that, he floated off to sleep. 


	22. twenty two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm back! i was really busy during winter break, i was on holiday visiting family in kansas for an entire month but i've been home for a little under two weeks and school has been ugly so i haven't had much time to write and visualize till now and it's almost 3am!!! so yeah enjoy this mostly dialog chapter that made me feel all peachy!!
> 
> cheers! 
> 
> -f

"josh..."

tyler cooed, turning over to make sure the bedroom door was locked before touching his cheek and leaning down to kiss it.

the pale white light fell dead at the window, muted and broken apart by the trees that stood frozen right outside the glass. the packed silence seemed to resonate with the end of the world, cold and passive and lifeless.

today, the surroundings were anything but.

joshua opened his eyes to a flood of blush erupting into tyler's cheeks, smile exposing crooked teeth and a joy he recognized instantly. his brown irises screamed out a euphoria, a child-like sense of peace and pure ecstatic nostalgia for the coming days.

"joshie, it's christmas eve eve!"

he rolled over onto his side, facing the wall, swatting the boy away.

"i dont care!"

tyler only laughed more at him, jumping on top of him and shaking his muscular body awake.

"well i do! it's almost christmas! get up and kiss me! you have to because of what i'm holding over us!"

josh rolled his eyes under his closed lids and groaned.

"you cheesy bitch. you did not just hold mistletoe over me."

he nodded, but then realized he couldn't see it, and tugged at josh's bare shoulder so that he now layed on his back to face him.

"you're lucky i love you."

he grabbed the brunet's neck and pulled him down to his level, before crashing his lips onto the other's and letting him hold him. his body fell in between josh's hips and he guided him into his arms and safety.

it hit him. tyler didn't flinch anymore. he didn't know why. it was almost scary that he trusted someone already, and let him pull his body into the empty space and hold his waist down so he could kiss his face. he was at ease in someone else's touch. this filled him with yellow, white, pink, and bursts of incredible purple. he was indescribably proud. tyler was indescribably happy. he pulled himself away, staring at the blank beige wall behind the headboard of the bed.

josh furrowed his brow, confused and shocked at the sudden cessation.

"what?"

he spoke softly, gently, he knew how easily tyler could get startled, so his hands stayed at his own sides and his eyes maintained a cautious, worried gaze at the boy's chest to make sure it still rose and fell.

"i just realized something."

his shoulders lay back relaxed.

"you dont have to tell me what it is- but, i want to make sure it's something that doesn't put you in danger."

he answered back immediately.

"i don't jump when you touch me anymore."

that in itself made josh jump. he had been so calm around him that he'd stopped thinking about it, almost feeling guilty about not checking in if he was still comfortable with his touch.

"i-i think i'm starting to be a little bit okay now."

josh's eyes crinkled as his face lifted into a smile. he had never been so proud.

"i've been clean for quite some time now, and, i think that - you know, the second i met someone who didn't treat me like filth - that things started to get easier to handle. joshua, i, i think i'm okay today. i could handle another day, i believe."

he smiled more.

"well lucky for both of us, it's christmas time and it looks like we're gonna have a tight squeeze to be together at all. i have nowhere to go, you're gonna be all tied up in family arent you?"

"yeah, my grandparents are coming over tomorrow, spending the night, and then the entire day till dinner. i don't think i'll be able to see you at all."

"and there's no way that you could ask for me to stay over, i mean, i don't exactly know how your mom is, but, judging from your past observations, things you've said, she wouldn't understand my reasoning for not being at my own place. she wouldn't wanna celebrate with me."

that last line stung the back of tyler joseph's throat. it stung to hear that someone's ignorance and intolerance for someone else other than themselves would get in the way of their enjoying one of the biggest and most important holidays that the country celebrates. it knocked him backwards and out of his place. it told him that he had to get out and quick. it showed him that there was no place in the world for wickedness- and it showed him that he didn't exactly know which side he had got himself on.

"that's stupid. sorry- but she's stupid. that's all stupid. homophobia is stupid. we're all so stupid!"

tyler smacked the top of his own leg, immediately wincing at the impact while not being in any real pain. the sting from the wounds was no longer there. he wasn't used to that.

"well, if we're both stupid then who's the bigger stupid?"

tyler's face twisted into a laughter-filled hysteria.

"you, duh."

"no, you."

this carried on.

and on.

and on.

until they drifted off into the living room by no real cause and found a package sitting on the floor once again.

"josh, i swear to god..."

he shook his head.

"i hate you. you suck. i told you not to spoil me so bad all the time, you can't even afford to put a quarter in the public bathroom and you've bought me something, haven't you?"

"shut up, you idiot, it's small. i just had to get a big box because i couldn't find anything else, and if i had just given it to you in the package it came in, it would give it all away and you would've killed me on the spot."

"well, i'm gonna do it anyway because you don't listen when i tell you that you, yourself, are just as good a gift as a flat screen tv that covers the entire wall."

"that was oddly specific."

"what did you really want me to say?"

"i don't know, something people actually give as gifts..."

"you never know, joshua, someone out there just got a flat screen tv that covers their entire wall and they feel really insulted right now."

"i don't care! open the damn box, tyler!"

tyler groaned, before plopping down onto his knees and pulling it open with his pudgy fingers.

once the flaps rolled away and he stuck his face inside, tyler's entire motion stopped and his jaw went ajar as he soaked it all in.

"take it out. i wanna see what it looks like in your hands."

he did. it was a burgundy velvet box about the size of exactly what we all think it is.

"open it up."

"what is this for?"

he gently opened the box, and nearly broke at the sight of the deep garnet and black diamond setting on the white gold band. tyler looked like an error code message as he slid it on his left ring finger. he looked like a malfunctioning computer, but much more pleasing.

there was the huge cushion gem in the center, surrounded by two black stones on either side that reflected his misty eyes back at him. he covered it immediately with his other hand to shield it from the tears that were already making puddles on the floor.

_**(a/n: hi here's a photo attachment of tyler's promise ring if y'all wanna see what i envisioned and then immediately matched eXACTLY on jewlr! cheers! [you'll have to open it in a new tab, it's a google photos link directly from my screenshots folder lol] )**_

"it's a promise ring. one you can wear whenever you feel like you won't make it till i get to you. one you can wear as a hope passage to remind you of how much i love you."

tyler threw his arms around josh, sobbing into his neck and kissing it.

"thank you!! i love it!!"

"merry christmas, babe."

"i don't deserve you at all. you do so much for me and i don't deserve any of it. but you're still here no matter what to tell me that i'm worthy of everything you give. you're my best friend. i'm never gonna be able to wear this because im petrified that i'll lose it and ruin everything."

"as long as the message is still there, you dont have to wear it if it makes you nervous. i understand. and you do deserve love. you deserve compassion, empathy, warmth, and love. always, love. i love you."

"merry x-mas josh dun. i love you. today taught me that maybe i am worth it. maybe i am worth the same as this. maybe this is where the story starts going."

"the story's been going. this is just the part where the main character finds their way to fight off the bad guys that makes me so giddy."

"i'm ready for that part. you're always gonna be here with me right?"

"always, love."

tyler leaned back to nestle his body against josh's torso. he hummed a tune he didn't remember the words or title to. he was at ease again. this was life. this was the ace of spades to complete the set. he was ready to lay down. he was ready to win.


	23. twenty three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi it's me again - - my health hasnt been fantastical lately, so i haven't had the energy or mental stamina to write anything here, i seem to have neglected my apps till tonight. if i'm being honest with you, i was listening to fall out boy and i was feeling really hyped up, so i got inspired and picked up the second half of this, as i dont remember ever writing the first half. aNYWAY enjoy this i hope it doesn't read like a filler !
> 
> cheers  
> -f

awake. tyler's eyes stung as they lay open, touched by the cold air conditioner breeze that was blasting over his bare back. his stomach grumbled and growled and roared as a remorseless hunger ravaged his body, tongue still finding the cracks in his lips that burnt and still bled from all the chewing he'd done in his sleep. his nose was cracked from crying, some blood stained the pillow, and as he lay there on his belly in his bed, with all the blankets kicked to the floor, he knew that this was the end of his night. it was morning, and in three short hours it would prove to be, color streaming through the blinds any minute now. he rolled painfully, slowly over onto his back so he could wait for them.

he took this moment to think. he would have a lot of these moments, so it wouldn't matter if this one thought turned into a crash course.

josh had gone. blurry images of his family members pestering on about his girlfriend that he didn't have, school grades he had lost, and a job he never got, still orbiting his head like planets around a cold, dying sun. his parents were surely going to get in trouble for never turning in that tyler wasn't in school anymore, but no one ever bat an eyelash at it. he did play basketball (before he begged on his knees to quit) for a school he never went inside of, but the entire process made his head throb and his hands itch. the thought of going back to a place that made him feel so worthless and insignificant was worse than a lot of things he knew.

but his mother knew methods that tyler didn't. she had been slowly easing him back in, and he didn't notice. she had written down that he was being homeschooled, but they were hardly doing any work. no one ever called her out, because she had the world's best slight of hand. her handwriting almost exactly matched tyler's, so she could scribble down some things that he couldn't handle in five minutes work, write with her left hand in red pen, and correct her own words. and from that she took tyler's half grade and added it to her own, and there was the full performance. that always worked. mrs. joseph got away with it.

but that didn't stop tyler's fears. sure, he wanted to run away and be with joshua and start over somewhere foreign and new, where people wouldn't instantly know him and grab his stinging arm to whisper insults into his ear. still, he knew he wasn't ready yet. college was that time where he could get away, but not all the way. he just knew he had to go out of state.

but how could he spark that? how could he just leave everything he's ever known, supposedly, according to witnesses, and completely start over?

those were questions he was asked a lot. he had gone over a few times the options for school with his family, and they seemed to keep an open mind, but tyler feared that he gave off the sort of energy that suggested that he was terrified of college. of course, he did not see a future ahead of that time where he worked under a trade or retail, more like making music and painting and breathing in his own bed at 3pm while he watched his boyfriend make his 5th pot of coffee.

tyler didn't know why that life appealed to him so much. maybe it was the limelight he'd read about on tumblr where everyone romanticized modest living and bare minimum independence that always, always, struck a bell inside of him. he knew that even the simplest of lifestyles alone or with the person he loved would be so much better than what he had now. sure, he had everything he needed, a bed, a house, food, water, family, but that very last one never hit a good note. it made itself out to be sour and unforgiving, and scary. scary. he hated that it was scary.

for some people, who don't know this experience, this type of talk doesn't make any sense. it feels wrong and entitled and senseless and whiny to say that one's family makes themselves out to be scary. but it is a reality, though, that never ever makes any sense but it is unchangeable. someone's code, that they have been taught either through their own morality or other's constants, is almost irrefutable unless they are given strict ridicule and personality through stories and exposure to the terror of the real world. you can't change an ignorant person's heart. it's so rotten that it's past saving.

it's so hard to cut off someone you love, especially your own family. they've given you life, shelter, love, safety, and wise words for when you've felt like there's not gonna be a tomorrow. the bad outweighs the good when it gets to the point where you can't be yourself, you can't love who you love, you can't do what you'd usually do because you're held down by someone else's intolerance and hatred. that's when it crosses a line. just because you're related to someone does not mean that their actions of prejudice are in any shape or form justified.

yellow, pink, peach, white. colors bleeding through the curtains. an innocence always described, a spectrum often mixed together.

morning. all that thinking, back and forth, ever changing and evolving into one topic and the next and its counterparts till the sun called his soul to wake and alight the world into a glistening, beckoning flame.

so that's what he did. tyler transformed the yellow and the peach from the skies and twisted it in his tired, short fingers, watching with unblinking eyes as it manipulated into a deep, raging orange that lit up his entire bedroom in a spurred fight to survive. confidence boiled in tyler's arteries, a slight of a smirk appeared on his face as his little ball of colored light continued to darken into an evil shade of crimson. he knew that the world outside glowed of a bloody hue, and it begged him to stand from his position, laying on his back, chained down by the energy he'd summoned.

come and see the unwavering red glaze over the morning sun...

it kept yelling in his ear, over and over again, but this feeling in tyler's stomach told him that it would only take the fire he was nursing and spawn it upon his beating heart; it would only bring cessation.

the swirl became brown, dead black, and then lightened with the angle of the sun to a pure white that blended into the now completely transparent drapes and disappeared, all in the span of a couple seconds. his hands dropped to his lap, his face went blank, and his memory no longer held the event. he thought nothing of it. he thought he had just awoke at that exact moment, and, with that, tyler stood up, pulled the first shirt that he saw over his torso, and walked out the door. 


End file.
